Tigers
by Brandywine421
Summary: A shooting at school turns Newport upside down. Complete
1. One

Disclaimer: I don't own anything OC related.

****

AUTHOR'S NOTE & WARNING: This fic contains disturbing images and ideas. It involves a shooting at school and should be read at your own risk. 

-Please forgive the author for starting a new fic with others still in progress, the author apologizes but blames it all on her muse. The author has a long weekend coming up and a new episode of the OC on Wednesday as well and promises to update everything on Monday.

"There's been a shooting, Sandy, at one of the high schools," Rachel announces, walking into his office.

"What?"

"It's on all the police scanners. Harbor Heights?" 

"Damn, that's Seth and Ryan's school…" Sandy gasps, already holding his phone to his ear.

*****

"Ryan. Ryan. She's gone…come on, man…please…" Seth's voice barely penetrates the screaming in the crowded cafeteria. He's sticky.

*****

"Say that again, Sandy?" Kirsten asks her husband as she stops at a stoplight. 

"There's been a shooting at the kid's school and I'm heading over there," Sandy repeats.

"I'll meet you there," Kirsten says, pulling a U-turn as soon as the light changes.

*****

"Ryan, please, stop it…oh god…" Summer's cries are inside his head. He registers her thin arms clinging to him from behind. He's holding Marissa and she's cold. All her warmth has puddled in the floor below them. It's soaked in his skin. Red. 

Suddenly the sprinklers come on, soaking them all in cold water as the police and paramedics burst into the room. Kids start streaming from the cafeteria in panic, even though the threats are gone. Luke and Ryan took care of them.

When the first shots were fired, Ryan was standing with Marissa, his arm around her waist. Luke had just made eye contact with him, a glare of jealousy that put Ryan on instant alert. Ryan had reacted instantly, pushing Marissa to the floor and pulling Seth down with them with his free hand. 

That's when he first felt the stickiness. Sticky and red.

*****

"Sandy!" Kirsten finds her husband with a crowd of other parents in the parking lot of the school. Police and rescue vehicles are taking up the lawn of the school. 

"They won't tell us anything, they just got inside a few minutes ago…a couple of kids took guns into the cafeteria, they said that there were definite injuries but that the gunmen were immobilized…" Sandy tells her in a rush, embracing her. 

"Do you know if the boys were there?" Kirsten asks.

"I don't know anything, Kirsten, we're just waiting now, they're bringing kids out over there," Sandy points to a small area a few yards away flocked with police officers.

*****

"Ryan? We need to take her, son…" Ryan vaguely recognizes his chemistry professor. 

Ryan can't speak but he doesn't protest as they take Marissa from his arms. 

When he had realized that Marissa had been hurt, he blanked out. She was gasping and holding her stomach and he covered the holes with his hands as Summer started to scream. 

"Ryan!" 

Luke's voice was so panicked that Ryan had glanced up. Luke made a motion toward the gunfire and Ryan had nodded, not thinking.

"Seth. Hold your hands here…do it…" Ryan muttered to his friend. Seth obeyed, too shocked to refuse. 

Ryan glanced up and saw the backs of the two shooters. He motioned to Luke and they both sprang into action from opposite directions. Ryan took down the one closest to him with a tackle that broke a table and successfully knocked the gun across the floor. 

Luke was on the floor with the other kid and slammed his head into the floor twice until he stopped moving. Ryan released the shooter and several of Luke's friends pulled him away.

"Ryan!" Summer yelled and Ryan made his way back to Marissa, falling to his knees. 

"Ryan…don't leave me…" Marissa breathed as Ryan took her in his arms, holding his hands over the bleeding holes in her body.

"I'm not going anywhere, baby…" Ryan whispered. He could see in her eyes that she was gone. And he was gone, too.

"Hey," He whispered, willing her to meet his eyes. "You know I love you, right?"

She smiled with a gasp as her strength wavered. "Always?"

"Always," He replied as she closed her eyes. 

"Ryan? Ryan?" Summer's frantic voice had made him look at her and she knew. Seth automatically embraced her as she started to wail. 

"Ryan? Man, please, look at me, man…come on!" Seth's voice finally breaks through and he glances up.

"Seth…"

"Thank god…can you get up?" Seth's face is streaked with tears and Summer is attached to him. Seth is holding her trembling body tightly against him. "We have to get out of here…"

Ryan can't move. Finally after a long pause, he stands up, swaying. He falls into a table, staggering as he holds himself upright. 

"Ryan?" Seth calls, reaching for him.

"I got it…" Ryan says after a pause. He starts toward the exit but stops cold, turning to face Seth. "Are you alright? Did they get you?" He asks, suddenly, pulling at Seth's bloodstained clothes.

"No, Ryan, no…just Marissa…" Seth whispers, taking Ryan's arms by the wrists. 

Ryan slowly nods. Someone pulls on his sleeve and he turns and starts toward the exit.

The sunlight is startling and it takes his breath. He's going to be sick. He breaks out in a run and falls to his knees between an ambulance and a police car, emptying his stomach. Marissa's dead and he can't breathe, he can't be here…

"Ryan…" Seth is beside him with a paramedic. "He's okay…"

"I want you to take a deep breath," The lady urges, holding out an oxygen mask.

"No, I'm okay…" Ryan coughs but she forces him to take several deep breaths from the oxygen. 

"Better?" She asks. Ryan nods. "Are you hurt?"

"No…just Marissa," Ryan mutters, getting to his feet with Seth's hand steadying him.

*****


	2. Two

Sandy and Kirsten see Seth step out with Summer then disappear. Kirsten tries to break the barricade but Sandy convinces her to wait.

Finally, the police come out with a list of names of kids that are in the hospital and a few parents leave in a rush. Sandy and Kirsten hold hands as they let the remaining parents through the police tape to the gathered teenagers.

"Do you see them?" Kirsten asks, after they make it through the majority of crying kids.

"I'm sure they're fine," Sandy says, his voice not convincing.

Luke Ward rushes past them and they turn to watch him. Luke pushes past a small group of crying girls and tackles someone to the ground. Ryan. A blood-covered Ryan that was holding their son's arm as if he was about to collapse.

"Is it true? Tell me!" Luke demands, shaking Ryan as he crouches on his fallen body.

Ryan shakes his head. "I…she's…"

"Goddammit…"Luke sobs, releasing Ryan. They sit beside each other on the grass. Luke sobs uncontrollably into his hands but Ryan stares at the ground. 

Kirsten and Sandy have reached them now. Kirsten embraces Seth and he starts to cry in her arms. Sandy kneels beside Ryan. 

"Ryan? Ryan, are you okay?"

Ryan doesn't respond. He leans over to Luke and says, "You know I would have saved her if I could have…you know that…" He shakes Luke.

"I know…I…I loved her, man…" Luke sobs. 

"I tried…I should have…I should saved her…" Ryan mutters, letting go of Luke and starting to shake.

"Let's go home, Ryan," Sandy says, taking his arm. 

Ryan looks at him, his eyes empty. He nods slowly and lets Sandy help him to his feet. He staggers and Sandy has to steady him.

"Are you alright? Ryan, look at me, kid," Sandy urges once Ryan can stand on his own. 

"Yeah? Yeah…Um…Marissa, she died…" Ryan says, not meeting his eyes and taking a few steps back.

"Oh god, no…" Sandy realizes. Ryan takes more steps back, his eyes dark with pain and confusion.

"Ryan…" A small voice calls and he turns. He goes over and embraces Summer in his arms. 

"Summer, I'm so sorry…" Ryan murmurs. 

"Not your fault…you stopped them…" She says, her voice hoarse from crying.

Sandy doesn't ask but Kirsten hears it. "What? Ryan?"

"It didn't matter…I failed her…" Ryan replies. 

"Let's go home, can we just go home?" Seth asks, quietly.

"Do you have somewhere to go, Summer?" Kirsten asks quietly.

She shakes her head. "My parents are out of town…"

"Come on then. You'll come home with us," Kirsten replies. They start toward the cars.

*****

An officer stops them before they reach the parking lot. They explain to Sandy and Kirsten that they need to take statements from the students.

Ryan doesn't react until the officer pulls him aside, Summer still clinging to him. 

"Mr. Atwood, we need to know what happened in there, son," The older man says gently. 

"Now? You have to do this now?" Summer asks.

"The sooner we take statements, the sooner I can let you guys get out of here," He smiles apologetically.

"Um…I don't know if I…"

"Just tell me what happened, Ryan," The officer urges.

"Um…Marissa and I were standing beside the table, we hadn't sat down yet. Summer and Seth were beside us…" Ryan's voice is flat. Summer can see that he's lost in his memory. 

"Go on…" The officer coaxes.

"I heard the shots. I didn't see where they were coming from but I pulled Marissa to the floor…"

"He pulled Seth down, too, that's how I knew, Seth pulled me down," Summer adds. 

"Yeah…and Marissa…she had been shot in the stomach…she was bleeding from both sides…" He says, hesitating. 

"Did you stay with her?"

Ryan shakes his head slowly. "I put pressure on it for a few seconds but…Luke caught my eye…he made like he wanted to take down the shooters so I…I let Seth take care of Marissa. The kids with the guns had their backs to us so we…we took them out. I tackled one kid into the table and he was out…some other kids pulled him away from me. Luke took his guy out and I went back to Marissa…I don't really know what happened after that…Marissa died…"

The officer is staring at him, stunned. Seth's officer is looking at Ryan as well from a few steps away. 

"So you and Luke…you just decided to rush the guys that were shooting at you?" The officer asks slowly.

"Marissa was dying…she was bleeding…I…" Ryan's eyes flash and he meets Summer's eyes. "What was I supposed to do?"

"Ryan…" Summer starts.

"That's okay…we'll need to ask you some more questions later, okay?" The officer says, realizing that Ryan is out of information. 

Ryan scribbles his contact information and then makes his way to Kirsten and Sandy. Summer is still leaning against him and they can't see him shake. 

*****

Seth, Summer and Ryan ride with Kirsten. Summer sits in the back with Ryan, curled against him, crying softly into his shoulder.

Seth turns around in the seat suddenly. "What the fuck were you thinking, man? Rushing that punk with the gun? That was like suicide!"

"Seth, what are you talking about?" Kirsten asks, pale.

Ryan glances at Seth with dazed eyes. 

"I…she was dying, man…I couldn't think…I…" Ryan shudders and Summer even looks up in concern.

"Shit, man…" Seth relaxes and turns back around in the seat. 

"Did you see her? God…" Ryan loses his voice. 

"Ryan and Luke jumped the shooters. Got the guns away from them," Summer says quietly for Kirsten's benefit. Kirsten is speechless. 

"Ryan? Ryan…" Summer shakes him, but he doesn't respond, his eyelids drooping. "Please…"

Kirsten pulls into the driveway and Seth steps out. He opens the back door and pulls Ryan from the car and leans him against it before slapping him hard across the face.

"Ryan. I need you to talk to me," Seth says. 

Ryan blinks and his eyes clear for a moment. "I can't…I can't…shit…did you see her?"

Seth nods slowly. "Yeah, man. Just tell me you're alright…"

"I'm not alright…" Ryan breathes, staggering away from the car. "Her blood…god…I should've…" Seth catches his wrists, not letting him struggle away. Kirsten holds Summer, comfortingly, by the front door. 

"There's nothing you could do…Ryan…you couldn't save her…" Seth says.

"Then what's the point?" Ryan asks, going limp and sinking to the ground as Sandy's car pulls in. "If I couldn't save her…what's the point…"

"Stop it! Stop it right now…" Seth goes to his knees and shakes his broken friend. 

Ryan meets his eyes, anguished. "It should've been me…not her…" Ryan whispers.

Seth can't handle it anymore and gets to his feet and staggers inside. Summer takes charge, pulling Ryan to his feet. 

"Come on. You have to get cleaned up…" Summer says, through tears. "He lives in the pool house, right?" She asks.

"I'll come with you. Sandy, can you check on Seth?"

Sandy nods, going into the house. 

Summer pulls Ryan into the pool house and leans him against the wall outside the bathroom. Kirsten watches her, awed by the younger girl's control. 

"He needs clothes, he needs to take a shower and get her blood off her or it's going to drive him nuts," Summer says, pulling open Ryan's drawers to search for clothes. She grabs a pair of boxers, jeans and a sleeveless wife-beater. 

"Summer, I can take care of him…" Kirsten says.

"I need to do it…Marissa would want me to do it…she loved him like oxygen, Mrs. Cohen…" Summer says, pausing beside her. "Let me take care of him…"

Kirsten nods and leaves to go check on Seth. 

Summer goes into the hallway and kneels beside Ryan. "Ryan? You need to get cleaned up," She urges.

"What…it doesn't matter…" Ryan mutters, shaking his head. 

"Yes, it does. Seth needs you. I need you. You'll feel better if you do this, okay?" Summer says. She takes his hands and pulls him to his feet. She leads him into the bathroom. 

"Why are you doing this?" Ryan asks as she puts the clothes on the sink for him.

"Because you were Marissa's world, Ryan, and she wouldn't want you like this…" Summer says. "So get in the shower and get cleaned up." 

"Are you going to leave?" Ryan asks.

"Not a chance. Get in, toss your clothes out and turn on the shower. The shower curtain's not see through, you perv," Summer smiles slightly.

Ryan hesitates but obeys. He undresses and turns on the shower. He turns it on hot and stands under the scalding water, watching the red swirl in the drain.

"Ryan?" Summer calls. "How hot is it in there?"

Ryan scrubs his skin until Summer's hand reaches in and turns the water off. 

"Too long. You alive in there?"

"Yeah…sorry…I spaced…" Ryan admits. A towel swings over the rod and Ryan dries off. He dresses and steps out. Summer is standing over the sink, scrubbing her hands. 

Ryan realizes that she is out of it. He turns the water off. "Summer. You want to take a shower? I'm sure I can find something for you to wear," He offers.

"I can't get her blood off me…Do you see it? Can you get it off?" Summer pleads, holding out her arms. Ryan goes into his room and grabs a sweatshirt from his closet. He returns to Summer's side and closes the door behind him. He pulls her shirt over her head. He gets a washcloth and gently washes her skin of Marissa's blood.

"God, Chino…she's really gone…" Summer says as he moves to her back. Marissa's blood is everywhere. 

"Can we not…I just can't think…" Ryan mutters, hesitating. 

"Okay, I'm sorry…I'm supposed to be taking care of you," Summer says.

"Get a shower, Summer, okay? I'll wait right here, okay?" Ryan urges. 

"You'll be okay?" Summer asks.

"Yeah…I'll be right here if you need me…" Ryan says.

"Thanks…" Summer gets in the shower and Ryan leans against the wall.

"You know I'm in Seth's wet dream right now," Ryan calls.

"Shut up," Summer snaps. She reaches out and grabs the sweatshirt and her jeans. Ryan has slumped to the floor.

She dries her hair before sinking to the floor beside him. "What's up?"

"I just want to drink myself unconscious, Summer…I feel like I can't breathe…" Ryan says quietly. 

"We'll get through this, Ryan…we have to…" Summer replies. "Let's go check on Seth, okay? You can do that, can't you?"

"Seth…yeah…Let's go…" He gets to his feet and helps her up. 

They stagger from the pool house into the kitchen. Seth is sitting at the counter across from his mother and father. 

"Ryan…" Sandy calls, relieved. He embraces him. "Are you okay? We heard what happened…what you did…"

"Don't…stop…I can't right now…" Ryan mutters, putting a shaky hand on Seth's arm.

"You alright, man?"

"Are you?" Ryan replies.

"I guess not…" Seth says. 

The phone rings and Sandy gets it quickly.

"Do you need anything? Food? Drink?" Kirsten offers, unsure of what to do for the grief-stricken teenagers.

"Ryan. I think its Luke," Sandy says, holding out the phone. Ryan takes it.

"Yeah?"

"Yeah. We're meeting at Holly's tonight…just so we don't have to be alone…drink to the ones we lost…"  
"Luke…" Ryan sighs, hearing the boy start to choke on his tears.

"Anyway…you should be there…you and Cohen and Summer…" Luke says, recovering. 

"I'll let them know, man," Ryan says.

Luke hangs up and Ryan hands the phone back to Sandy.

"What did he say?" Seth asks, quietly.

"The kids are getting together tonight and they wanted to let us know," Ryan says. 

"Marissa's dead and they're having a party?" Summer gasps. 

"In memory of the people that we…lost…" Ryan continues. Summer nods. 

"I think everyone should sit down and take a break, okay? I'll make everyone some tea…"  
"I think we just need to be by ourselves, Mrs. Cohen." Summer catches Kirsten's eyes and nods to Ryan who is shaking uncontrollably. "He needs to lie down."


	3. Three

Ryan doesn't say whether or not he wants to go to Holly's house, he simply goes. He's still wearing the clothes picked out by Summer and Seth drives. He doesn't know if he's capable of speech anymore. Marissa's gone and he has nothing to say. 

Seth steadies Ryan into the house like a blind man. He stops by the bar. Ryan's eyes are unfocused and locked on the floor. Summer squeezes Seth's arm and goes to talk to a group of crying girls. 

The music is playing softly at Holly's and there are small groups gathered talking quietly. All lighting comes from candlelight. There are alternate sounds of sobbing and wailing. Seth leads Ryan outside to the beach with a bottle of whiskey. Ryan silently takes it from him and drinks over half the bottle before Seth takes it from him. Seth takes a swallow.

"Say something, Seth," Ryan says suddenly, unnerved by Seth's unnatural silence.

"What, Ryan, what?" 

"Tell me what happened today…tell me why it went down like that…tell me…tell me why she lived in Mexico only to die here…" Ryan whispers.

"I don't know…Ryan, I don't know," Seth replies, shaken. "Are you going to be okay?"

"I'm not dead…just Marissa…" Ryan replies. He takes the bottle from Seth and finishes it.

Seth is startled. He desperately wants to help Ryan but doesn't know how. "Ryan…"

"I'm done talking. I just want to drink."

"Okay, Ryan. I'll go get you a chaser, okay?" Seth offers.

"Okay," Ryan nods distantly. Seth just needs a moment away from Ryan's encompassing sadness.

"Seth? Where's Ryan?" Summer finds him in the kitchen.

"Outside," Seth responds.

"Are you okay?" She asks quietly.

"He's…it's like he's not there, Summer and he's asking all these questions and…I don't know what to do for him." Seth hesitates. "I'm so used to him being the cool one…the one that shows me how to act, what to do…but he's just…it's like he died in there, too…"

Luke glances at them, overhearing. "Where is he?" He asks, quietly.

"Luke…I don't know…" Summer hesitates. 

"I need to talk to him, Summer. Where is he?" Luke asks. Seth nods outside and Luke disappears.

"Hey. Let's drink to Marissa." Summer hands Seth a cup and they both drink.

Outside, Ryan has finished the bottle of whiskey. His eyes are closed and he is holding his head in his hands. 

"Hey, Chino. You okay?" Luke's voice doesn't get a reaction out of him. 

"Not exactly…"

"Can I sit down?"

Ryan doesn't reply. Luke sits down.

"She loved you, you know," Ryan says quietly. "Before you fucked it all up. She told me she did."

"I know. I hated you so much for stealing her from me, but…you didn't steal her…and she loved you more than she could ever love me…" Luke admits. 

Ryan doesn't respond, the alcohol hitting him in a burst. 

"I mean…I saw you guys together, and she was happy…dammit, she was so happy…" Luke whispers.

"I can't talk about her…not yet…she was just here…I…" Ryan starts to get up but the whiskey has dissolved his bones and he remains on the sand.

"Okay, man…I'm sorry…" Luke realizes how shattered the other boy is. "I also wanted to thank you…that shit in the cafeteria…it wouldn't have worked if you hadn't had my back…"

"That was all you, Luke. I froze…I couldn't think…if you hadn't flagged me down, I wouldn't have moved…" Ryan mutters.

"Hey, but you did. You came through man. You always do," Luke realizes. 

"I didn't come through for Marissa…" Ryan whispers.

"You couldn't do anything for her, man…" Luke says after a pause.

Ryan slings the bottle across the beach. 

Luke sits with him a few more minutes before returning to the house.

Seth and Summer are drinking with a group of other kids watching a video of the Cotillion dance. Marissa was not the only casualty in the cafeteria. Harris and Jolene, a couple that had been dating since the beginning of time, had both been killed by the gunmen. Three other Newport teens are in the hospital. Three deaths in an instant. But tonight at Holly's, at least their friends can watch them dance.

Ryan watches the sun rise from the beach. He vaguely realizes that he's finished another bottle of liquor and that he hasn't seen Seth or Summer in hours. He staggers into the house and finds them both passed out on the couch. Ryan calls a taxi and waits for it to arrive. He carries Summer to the car and then after shaking Seth to no avail, he carries Seth as well. 

"Another big party, kids? Shouldn't you be in school today?" The driver asks.

"Not today. Teachers workday," Ryan replies, dryly.

The taxi pulls up to the house and Sandy and Kirsten are outside instantly. Ryan carries Summer into the house, ignoring the confused looks from the Cohens. When he returns for Seth, Sandy has already woken him and is helping him inside. 

Kirsten guides Ryan into the kitchen as Sandy follows Seth upstairs.

"You okay?" Kirsten stands in front of Ryan and gently brushes a strand of hair from his forehead.

Ryan looks at her with dazed eyes. "I'm drunk."

"Okay…" Kirsten replies.

"And she's still dead…" Ryan whispers. He turns away from her, anguished and she catches his arm.

"Ryan…" Kirsten embraces him but he doesn't respond. "Honey, you're shaking…"

"What am I supposed to do without her?" Ryan asks before collapsing into sobs for the first time since the shooting. Sandy walks in, surprised to see Ryan in tears but strangely relieved. He had expressed his concern about Ryan's lack of emotion. 

Kirsten holds Ryan for several minutes until he seems to recover himself. He steps back and holds out the keys to the Range Rover. Sandy accepts them.

"Thank you for not driving, Ryan," Kirsten says. "Are you going to be okay?"

"I think…I think I'm going to bed now," Ryan replies. He bolts from the house and disappears into the pool house.

"What do you think?" Sandy asks, putting an arm around her.

"I think it's killing him," Kirsten responds. "And as much as I want to get mad at them for going out and getting drunk…I can't blame them." She sighs. "I don't think I realized how much Marissa meant to him." 

"I don't think anyone did. He'll be okay. He's a tough kid…"Sandy says quietly.

"Sandy…I don't know if he's going to get through this…it's like he's not even there…I mean, Ryan's the king of hiding his emotions but this is eating him alive…"

"Let's just let them sleep. I'm sure once they're sober…they'll be okay," Sandy says quietly. 

"I hope you're right."


	4. Four

Ryan dreams that he's drowning. In blood. Marissa's voice is calling to him but it's muffled and he can't swim out of the blood to reach her. He has to find her, he has to make sure she's not drowning with him…

"Ryan. Ryan, snap out of it…come on…please wake up…"

He doesn't recognize the voice but anything will be better than this so he follows it, struggling.

"Ryan!"

He snaps awake, his blue eyes wide with panic. He's sitting in the floor beside his bed and Seth is holding both his arms.

"Damn, man, you almost took me out," Seth says, breathless. Summer is standing beside them, worried. 

"You were dreaming any you wouldn't wake up…you fell off the bed and you still wouldn't wake up…" Summer says. 

"Sorry. I'm awake now. What time is it?" Ryan asks, covering his eyes to shield them from the bright sun.

"Five. You've been out for a while. Mom said you called a taxi for us last night?" Seth asks.

Ryan is slammed as the previous days' events come back to him. He loses his breath.

"Ryan, come on, man…"

"Just give me a few minutes, okay? I just need a few minutes…" Ryan gets to his feet and disappears into the bathroom.

"He's taking this so hard…oh god…Summer…" Seth stands up and embraces her. 

"She was my best friend, Seth and now she's gone…I mean…I know I'm hurting…I feel like there's a part of me missing, but…Ryan…he's not even dealing with it…" Summer says, letting him hold her.

"Hey. He'll get through this. So will you. What did you say yesterday? Marissa wouldn't want us crying for her, she wasn't like that…" Seth says, calming the smaller girl.

Summer nods. "Thank you, Seth…I've treated you like ass for so long…Marissa…she always told me how great you were…but…you guys are really helping me out…"

"Don't worry about it, Summer…we've got to stick together…Ryan and I figured that out a long time ago…" Seth pauses. They listen to Ryan being sick.

"He didn't eat anything yesterday," Summer says, quietly. 

"I'm going to go check on him, okay?" 

"I'll come with you. I need to check on him, too…" Summer says, following him into the hallway.

"Ryan?" Seth calls, knocking on the door. There's no answer. Seth glances at Summer before trying the doorknob. 

Ryan is standing in front of the sink. His eyes are glazed and it only takes a second for Seth to see why. The mirror is smashed. Ryan's hand is bleeding profusely and there are shards of glass in his hand.

"Ryan…Ryan, man, look at me…" Seth swings the door open completely and steps inside. He takes Ryan's wrists in his hands again and doesn't let him pull away. Ryan finally meets his eyes.

"Seth…I can't do this…don't make me do this…please…" Ryan pleads, his voice startling his friends with its emotion. 

"I'm not making you do anything, Ryan, I just want you to calm down, okay?" Seth urges with a shaky voice. Summer comes to his side and examines Ryan's captive hand.

"I can't do this…" Ryan says, breathing shallowly. Summer impulsively pulls out several small shards of glass before Ryan can react. She holds out a washcloth and Seth wraps his friend's hand in it tightly.

"Ryan. It's Seth. I'm not making you do anything that you don't want to, okay? Look at me…" Seth forces himself to be stern. "Ryan, look at me!"

Ryan shakes his head, his eyes not focused on anything. "Its not…I can't…"

"Seth, he's hyperventilating," Summer realizes as Ryan continues to breathe fast.

"Go get Mom," Seth whispers and Summer bolts.

"I can't do it, Seth…I can't go on…I'm tired…I don't want to go on…please…" Ryan murmurs, trying to pull away from Seth. Seth holds his wrists tight, not letting him bolt from the conversation.

"What are you trying to tell me, Ryan? Huh? What?" Seth demands, getting a chill.

"…I can't do it…I can't just walk around like nothing happened…I can't…" Ryan pants, still struggling.

"Ryan. Please. Relax for me, okay…please…" Seth urges, running out of things to say since Ryan is only getting more upset.

Summer returns with Kirsten right behind her. Seth and Ryan don't notice them.

"Seth, I can't do this…I can't…I can't breathe…I can't bleed…it's like I'm dead…but I'm not…why aren't I dead…" Ryan stops struggling suddenly and leans against the wall, pale and still struggling to breathe. 

"Let him go, Seth," Kirsten says quietly, walking in. 

Seth steps back, stunned at Ryan's words. Summer pulls him from the bathroom into the hallway.

"God…" Seth says, too stunned to function. Summer forces him to sit down on the couch, taking his hands.

"Okay, now we're going to have a moment of silence and you're going to pull yourself together. Okay?" Summer says quietly. Seth looks at her, dumbfounded. "No, don't talk. Just be quiet."

Kirsten hands Ryan a paper bag. "Breathe into this…" She orders.

Ryan shakes his head, pushing himself into the corner. "No…I can't…" 

She realizes that he isn't going to cooperate so she decides to take a different approach. She forces herself not to panic. She has to calm Ryan. She starts to talk to him soothingly. "Ryan? I need you to take a couple of deep breaths for me and then I'll leave you alone, okay? You're scaring Seth, you're scaring Summer and you're scaring me. I know you don't want us to worry about you but you have to breathe, alright? Slow, nice, easy breaths…" Kirsten coaxes.

Ryan's eyes are still unfocused but he has stopped struggling. She tilts his chin up so he can meet her gaze as his breathing returns to normal. "Ryan?"

Ryan blinks and finally seems to be lucid. "Mrs. Cohen?"

"Yeah, Ryan…you back with us?" She asks, relieved.

"Where did I go?" He asks, confused. He glances up and sees the mirror. "Oh."

"Ryan. Are you okay?" Kirsten asks, quietly, holding his bleeding hand.

"I…I'm flipping out…" He whispers. "I don't know…I don't know what to do…I had to do something…I can't look at myself in the mirror…and then the blood…" He mutters. 

"Okay, Ryan, it's okay…" Kirsten says, helping him to his feet. "Can I look at your hand?"

Ryan nods slowly. He doesn't look at it while she examines his hand. She leans down and pulls a first aid kit from under the sink and starts to bandage it.

"Honey, I don't know what to do for you…" Kirsten admits, still wrapping his hand.

"I…I just keep seeing her face…" Ryan replies. "I can't get a handle on it…"  
"Ryan, you have to relax, you're going to make yourself sick, okay? Now, I know it's hard, but you will get through this…Ryan. You will get through this," She insists. 

He nods, his eyes distant and pained. 

"Ryan, I want you to get some rest, okay? Anything you need…" She starts.

"I'm okay, now. I'm sorry for worrying you…" He says.

"Don't apologize to me, Ryan, this isn't your fault. I'm just sorry I can't do anything for you. I wish I could make this all go away…" Kirsten starts, embracing him.

"Me, too," Ryan replies, returning her hug. "Where's Seth and Summer? Did they see me freak out?"

"They're outside," Kirsten replies. "Come on. They're worried about you, too."

Summer and Seth are still holding hands when Ryan and Kirsten step out. Seth sighs, visibly relieved to see Ryan better. 

"Hey," Ryan says quietly.

"You okay, Chino?" Summer asks.

"No. But I'm not freaking out at the moment," Ryan replies honestly. 

"Goddammit, you scared the shit out of me…" Seth whispers.

"I'm sorry…I'm just having a hard time…this sucks…" Ryan starts.

"I'll be inside if you need me," Kirsten says as Ryan sits down beside Seth on the couch. She disappears.

"Sorry we had to get Mrs. Cohen out here," Summer apologizes. "But you were seriously freaking out. It was like you couldn't breathe."

Ryan is shaking. He holds out his hands in front of him. "I don't know what to do…if you guys have any ideas…I'm open…the whole drinking myself unconscious thing didn't work…"

Seth puts a hand on Ryan's shoulder. "Did you mean what you said in there?" He asks.

"What did I say?" Ryan asks, genuinely confused. 

Seth hesitates.

"What did I say? I can tell it fucked you up because you're sitting here holding hands with Summer and it's not even phasing you," Ryan says.

"You said…you asked why weren't you dead…do you want to die? Without Marissa…can you go on, Ryan? 'Cause it's looking like you're getting a little close to the edge here and…" Seth starts.

Ryan is visibly affected. "I said that to you?"

"Yeah. Sort of. Ryan…I know you think you're dying but you're not. You're still alive…I need to know that you're going to go on living man…" Seth replies. Summer gasps.

"Yeah, Seth, yeah…I am…I'm trying…" Ryan whispers. "I just don't know if I can get through this…"  
"You can. We're here for you, Ryan…" Summer leans across Seth and pulls Ryan into a desperate embrace. "It's going to be okay."

Ryan stands up suddenly, stricken. He goes to the table beside his bed and opens a drawer, spilling its contents on the carpet.

"I just saw her yesterday…I woke up in her arms right here…" Ryan says, crying softly. He falls to his knees beside the scattered items. "Here's the lip gloss she put on every morning…before she even brushed her teeth…and here's the bracelet she got from her best friend, Summer…" Ryan continues, picking up the trinket. "And I just saw her yesterday and…then…and now…"

Summer is crying but she manages to go to his side and embraces him tightly. "Oh baby…I didn't know…I'm so sorry…"

"She was just here…" Ryan sobs. "She can't be gone…"

"Shh…it's okay…" Summer soothes. "It's going to be okay…"

Summer continues to hold him, rocking him gently. Seth sits on the couch, too shocked to move. He didn't know that Ryan and Marissa were intimate. He'd noticed how close they were and everyone had noticed how much happier Ryan had been…but he didn't think that Marissa was that entwined in his life. 

"Is it possible to cry yourself unconscious?" Summer asks after a long silence. Seth rushes to her side. 


	5. Five

"Go get your mother. I'm taking him outside…" Summer pulls Ryan roughly to his feet and shoves him, staggering, out into the bright day. She releases him beside a chair and he collapses, crying into his hands. 

Seth comes out of the pool house in a daze. Summer looks at him, tears on her face with a helpless expression. Seth pulls her away from Ryan.

"Did you know she stayed here? Did you know they were sleeping together?" Seth whispers.

"No, Seth…she swore they weren't…but…didn't you think they were a lot more 'together' lately?" Summer replies. "But she lives next door, Seth, it was bound to happen…"

Ryan is still sobbing silently when Summer returns her attention to him. 

"Baby, you have to stop crying…" Summer says, hugging him tightly as he cries. She looks at Seth over Ryan's shoulder after several more minutes. Seth nods and slowly walks to the house.

Sandy and Kirsten are in the kitchen involved in a pile of paperwork. "Seth?"

"He's not getting better. You have to do something. Call a doctor. Give him some shots, but do something…" Seth says, shakily pointing out the window.

"God…" Kirsten immediately rushes from the kitchen.

"Seth, are you okay?" Sandy moves beside Seth, concerned.

"Yeah, my girlfriend didn't die in my arms…" Seth turns to him, stricken. "Nothing we say makes any impact, Dad…he's so devastated that he can't hear what we're saying…"

Sandy hugs his son.

"Can't you do something? Will you call Doctor Adams?" Seth asks.

"I don't know if a medical doctor can help Ryan right now," Sandy says quietly. 

"There has to be something," Seth says, pulling away from his father's hug. "Because I can't get through to him…I don't know what to say to him…this is out of my league and I…I can't just wait for him to give up…I won't do that…"

"What are you talking about? Has Ryan said something?" Sandy demands, concerned.

"No," Seth shakes his head. "No, he didn't but I asked him if he thought he could go on living after Marissa and let's just say I wasn't satisfied with his answer…he says he doesn't know what to do…and I don't know what to tell him…"

The phone rings and Sandy gives his son a reassuring look before answering it.

Seth steps back outside and puts his hand on Summer's back as he approaches her with his mother and Ryan. "He better?"

She shakes her head negatively. "He's still crying…We're just tag-teaming on the hugging…"

Seth turns around as the patio door opens. He pales, recognizing a haggard Jimmy Cooper standing beside his father.

Seth knows that Jimmy and Ryan have mutual respect for each other. Ryan had visited Marissa at his apartment and the two men had bonded. Jimmy had always trusted Ryan with Marissa after Tijuana. Jimmy nods to Seth as he walks past, patting him on the back. 

Summer gasps as Jimmy embraces her. 

"Glad you're okay, Summer…" Mr. Cooper says, releasing her into Seth's steadying arm. 

"Oh, Jimmy, I'm so sorry," Kirsten releases Ryan and stands up to embrace her friend. 

"Thank you…" Jimmy replies, returning her hug. "I wanted to talk to Ryan…"

Ryan has not reacted to Jimmy's arrival. He is still sobbing into his hands.

Jimmy has paled slightly, seeing Ryan's condition. "How long's he been like this?"

"He's not doing so well," Summer replies. "I mean, I guess it's good that he's crying and not just staring into space…at least he's dealing with it…"

"What are you doing here, Jimmy?" Kirsten asks, pulling him away from Ryan. Summer takes a different approach this time and sits on the edge of the chair and rocks Ryan, slowly.

"You know the news has been running the footage from the school with Ryan and Seth…" Jimmy starts. "And today the news special was about Ryan and Luke. They said that they took the shooters down. It's this big thing about two enemies bonded over a girl…Julie's going nuts with all the shots of Marissa…I hadn't even thought about Ryan until I recognized him in the footage…he was covered in blood…Marissa's blood…" Jimmy explains, looking to Sandy and Kirsten as if pleading.

"Jimmy…" Sandy hesitates.

"So I just wanted to talk to Ryan…since he was with her…when she died…" Jimmy says.

"Ryan can't really talk to anyone right now, Jimmy," Kirsten replies. 

Jimmy turns and slowly nods. "He's a good kid. I know he took good care of her. I just wish…"

"Ryan?" Summer calls, worriedly, startling the adults.

She pushes him slightly away from her so she can see his face. Seth is kneeling in front of them, taking Ryan's face in his hands so he can look in his eyes.

"Ryan?" Seth gasps, realizing that he can barely see the familiar blue in Ryan's eyes, they are rolled back in his head. "Ryan, wake up!"

Ryan starts to struggle, gasping for breath and restrained with Summer and Seth's grips. 

"Hey, hey…chill out, Chino," Summer says urgently as Ryan blinks and relaxes slightly as they release him.

Ryan glances around, disoriented. Sandy, Kirsten and Jimmy are standing over him and Seth and Summer are by his side. 

"You okay? Look at me…" Seth makes Ryan meet his eyes. "How many fingers am I holding up?" He asks, waving his hand in front of his face. 

Ryan blinks at him. "Fuck you, you know I can't count," He replies flatly.

Seth pauses. "Sweet," He mutters.

Summer looks at Ryan and then to Seth in disbelief. "Is that some kind of fucking joke? Ryan's fucking dying in my arms, just like Marissa and you guys are joking?" Summer is in tears.

"What? Summer, I'm not dying…" Ryan is holding Summer now, his blue eyes clear and worried. "What did I miss? Anyone?" Ryan asks, looking to Kirsten and Sandy.

"You were crying and then you just stopped…and you stopped breathing…I thought…I mean…you weren't shaking anymore and your eyes…you wouldn't open your eyes…" Summer sobs into his shoulder. 

"I'm okay, I'm sorry…I'm so sorry, Summer…I didn't mean to scare you…please don't cry…" Ryan pleads, holding her. 

"You promise to not fucking do that again?" Summer asks, leaning back and shoving him. 

"I'll try, damn, just don't hit me again…" Ryan says. 

"I'm invoking parental law, guys. Dinner. Now. There's pizza in the house," Sandy says. "No TV," He adds. 

"What? Why not?" Seth questions, glancing at Ryan. 

"I need to talk to you guys first. Don't go outside and don't watch TV. Just eat, okay? I'll be right behind you." Sandy turns back to Kirsten and Jimmy.

"That's weird," Summer mutters, letting Ryan help her to her feet. 

"So we're going to watch the TV, right?" Ryan asks once they're outside the door.

"No TV!" Kirsten calls as the door closes behind them.

"Weird," Summer repeats. 

"I am so sorry that I am freaking out," Ryan says suddenly, causing Seth to jump. "But I think I just got some of that out of my system…"

"Really? 'Cause you still don't sound like normal. You normally don't use whole sentences like that," Seth replies. 

Ryan smiles slightly and Seth relaxes. "No, I think I'm okay for a minute. And what is Mr. Cooper doing here?"

"He said he wanted to talk to you," Summer replies.

"Why?" Ryan asks. 

"Well, you said that you guys were kind of buds. Maybe he was worried about you," Seth shrugs.

"Seth, not everything is about me. Marissa was his daughter. His daughter is dead and I'm not." Ryan regards Jimmy through the window with dark eyes. "What am I supposed to say to him? That she didn't feel it…shit…" Ryan stops himself, turning away. 

Summer is pale and thoughtful. 

"Pizza. Let's eat pizza. Let's not freak out. Let's not talk to parents. Let's eat pizza and not watch TV."

"I can't believe I have to eat in front of boys," Summer remarks dryly in the dining room where there are several boxes of pizza. 

"What's that supposed to mean?" Seth replies immediately. 

"They think that boys watch them eat. They think we notice how much food they eat off their plates," Ryan explains with a smile. He takes a bite of pizza.

"Really? Summer, I have better things to do than to count your slices," Seth grins. 

"Once you know, man, you'll always pay attention…They'll eat more if they're comfortable…" Ryan's voice falters a moment. "Marissa ordered steak the last time we went out…she ate the whole thing…"

"No way…she ordered meat? She must've really been into you…" Summer says, not thinking. The room is silent.

"Hey. It's cool. I mean…she's gone…but she was a big part of our lives…" Ryan pales and stands up. "Excuse me…"

"Ryan," Seth calls but Ryan has bolted for the bathroom.

"Fuck. This is hard," Summer states, dropping her half-eaten slice of pizza back on the plate as Sandy comes in.

"Everything okay?"

"Ryan's sick again," Seth sighs. 

Sandy nods. "I called Doctor Adams like you asked, Seth, and he's coming over. After the episode on the patio…he should see a doctor…is he…"

"I'm not crying," Ryan says, walking out of the bathroom and sitting down. 

"Good. I need to talk to you guys about something…" Sandy starts slowly.

"It must be bad with this much buildup," Summer mutters.

"Summer," Seth scolds.

"The shooting at the school…well, it's been on the news. The story's world news and there is footage of…of all of you coming out of the school and…" Sandy's voice drops.

"What else?" Seth asks, his eyes on Ryan.

"There are news crews outside."

"Why?" Ryan asks, staring at the table. "Because of Marissa or because I knocked down a fucking kid with a gun?" 

"Because you and Marissa's ex-boyfriend knocked down a couple of fucking kids with guns…" Sandy replies, quietly. 

Ryan slowly nods. He rushes from the room to be sick again.

"That's what all the paperwork in the kitchen is for? Statements for the news?" Seth asks.

"Some," Sandy replies. The doorbell rings. He leaves the room for a moment.

"So…Ryan's like this hero or something now…" Seth mutters. 

"I wonder how he's going to deal with that…"Summer replies. 

"I don't know…" Seth replies honestly. He jumps when he hears the loud thump from the bathroom. Summer barely beats him to the door. 


	6. Six

*****

"Hey. What you thinking about?" She whispered.

"You. How nice you fit in my arms."  
"Stop it, you already got me into bed," She smiled. "But really. What are you thinking about?"

He glanced away. 

"Come on," She whispered, nuzzling his neck.

"I'm thinking about how dangerous this is."

"What?"

"Being with you."

She sat up, startled. 

"Because, when I think about how close I came to losing you…" He continued.

"Hey…you didn't lose me…"

"You're always too far away," He said, pulling her against him. "You belong here. With me."

"Stop being so mushy," She smiled. She kissed him softly.

"I mean it. I love you so much that it scares me. I don't want to hurt you."

"Baby, you won't hurt me. I'll always be right here…" She replied.

"Stay 'til I fall asleep?" He asked.

"Set the alarm. We'll get up early," She replied, kissing him.

*****

"Breathe. Just breathe…Ryan? Ryan, can you open your eyes? Just open those baby blues for me…"

Blurry. Why can't he see who's talking to him?

__

*****

He could smell the vanilla in her hair when she tackled him to the sand. 

"Why won't you talk to me? Goddamn you, Ryan, it's like talking to a wall!"

"What do you want me to say? I'll say whatever you want…"

"Shut up! I want you to tell me the truth…just tell me something…don't make me wonder what you're thinking…" She cried. He could never take her tears. 

*****

"Ryan," Seth's voice says quietly, close to his ear. "Please wake up," He urges.

"Seth, take Summer outside…" Kirsten's beside him.

Ryan blinks suddenly, gasping for breath. Blurry.

__

*****

"Hey, baby…I missed you…"

"Me, too…"

They kissed. He could taste the gum in her mouth as she looped her arms around his waist.

"Where's your dad?" He asked.

"He was politely asked to vacate the premises. It's a special night, remember?" 

"Should I? We're not officially dating yet, so do we actually have anniversaries?" Ryan teased, his mouth finding her lips irresistible.

"Stop…this is serious. It's been three months since you saved me," She said, quietly. 

Ryan released her, stepping back. "Since Tijuana?"

"Yeah. Since I lost my mind and found you," She smiled. "Don't make this a bad thing…"

"I can't believe you want to celebrate," Ryan replied, confused.

"I don't want to celebrate my breakdown, stupid," She laughed, pulling him to her and kissing him. "I want to celebrate my life. I got through the hardest time in my life and I want to celebrate it with you…"

"Oh…" He managed.

"Now you feel like celebrating…" She murmured.

*****

Ryan sits up with a gasp, pushing himself away from the arms that are holding him down. He's wet. Cold and wet.

"Good idea, Seth…" Summer says, holding an empty glass. Kirsten and Seth are beside him in the floor of the dining room.

"What?" Ryan gasps, panicked now.

"You freaked out again, Ryan…are you okay?" Seth asks, worried.

Ryan puts a hand to his head. "I don't know…I was throwing up and then…I just…I don't know what happened…"

"You passed the fuck out," Summer says, reaching between the Cohens and embracing him tightly. Surprisingly, he returns her hug, shaking.

"I can't…I can't pull myself together…what's happening to me…" Ryan mutters. Sandy steps in with a man dressed in a suit. 

"Seth, Summer, let's leave Ryan for a little while, okay?" Kirsten urges gently. Seth and Summer step away from their friend as Sandy approaches. 

"Ryan, this is Doctor Adam," Sandy says quietly. 

"I don't need a doctor," Ryan whispers, his eyes flashing suddenly.

"You need something, Ryan if you're so sad that you stop breathing…" Summer says, suddenly. She rushes from the room.

"Shit…okay…whatever…" Ryan whispers.

"It's okay, son, I just want to talk to you, okay? Try and figure out what's happening to you…" The doctor says gently, approaching him and offering his hand to help him off the floor.

Ryan follows the doctor into the guestroom and sits down on the bed.

"Do you want us…" Kirsten begins.

"We should be okay. I'll call if I need you," The doctor smiles. He pulls a chair over so he is sitting across from Ryan.

"So. What's going on?"

"Apparently, I keep scaring the hell out of those people out there," Ryan mutters.

Doctor Adams shines a light in Ryan's eyes and then pulls out a thermometer.

"I'm not sick…" Ryan protests.

"Sickness does not always affect the body, Ryan. It seems to me that you are sick. Your soul is sick," He replies. "This last time when you blacked out…do you remember anything?"

"I…I had to throw up…I only ate a little bit of pizza, but it was too much…it's all too much…" Ryan's eyes glaze suddenly.

"Too much, Ryan, what do you mean?" The doctor asks, noticing that Ryan's breathing is getting shallower. He attaches a blood pressure cuff quickly.

"It's like I can't breathe…I got sick and then I couldn't breathe…"

"Okay, Ryan…calm down, okay? I want you to keep talking to me…" Doctor Adams urges.

"I mean…Marissa's dead…and every time I think I get a handle on it…I remember she's gone…and she's bleeding…" Ryan drops his eyes and shudders, trying to regain his composure.

"Ryan, I want you to listen to me, okay? You're having an anxiety attack, okay? Do you think you can get a handle on it?" Dr. Adams takes Ryan's wrists and tries to keep him from losing consciousness. "Take deep breaths and calm down. You can do it…"

Ryan struggles to catch his breath. The doctor watches as Ryan's eyes roll back slightly and he starts to go limp.

The doctor sighs and reaches into his bag and pulls out a syringe. He takes Ryan's arm and gingerly injects him with the medication. Ryan gasps and blinks, his blue eyes returning, startled.

"Ryan, I gave you something to calm you down. You're having panic attacks and they're causing you to hyperventilate. When you do that, your brain's not getting enough oxygen and you're body's compensating by making you unconscious…"

"What did you give me?" Ryan asks, holding a cotton ball over the small injection site. 

"It's a sedative. A tranquilizer. I'm going to prescribe some medications for you to help you get through this, okay? They might make you feel a little fuzzy but you'll be more relaxed and less likely to hyperventilate, okay? It's going to help you relax…"

Ryan glances at the doctor, tilting his head. "So, you're going to help me by pumping me so full of drugs that I can't think straight?"

"I'll get Kirsten and Sandy for you…" Dr. Adams replies, quietly. 

Ryan is stricken as the drug starts to take effect. He feels fluffy…disconnected…he feels like he's in a cushioned bubble. Huh. Not so bad. 

"Ryan? Is he freaking out again?" Seth is the first one in the room, going to Ryan's side.

"No, I'm fine…" Ryan replies distantly. 

"What did you do to him?" Seth demands, looking at the doctor, accusingly.

"He's having panic attacks. Anxiety attacks that are so strong that he's hyperventilating. I gave him an injection…"  
"Ryan doesn't like drugs…" Summer says, breaking into the room between Sandy and Kirsten. "Marissa said he wouldn't even take aspirin for a headache…" She continues, kneeling beside him at the bed. "You shouldn't have done this…" Summer takes one of his arms and Seth takes the other. They ignore Sandy and Kirsten and lead Ryan obediently from the room into the den. 

"Ryan? You okay?"

"Yeah…I think so…just really tired…" Ryan murmurs, his eyelids drooping.

"I don't think he should be in the pool house anymore," Summer whispers to Seth as they let Ryan sit down on the couch. "Not if it's going to remind him of Marissa…"

"Everything's going to remind him of Marissa…" Seth replies.

Ryan is staring blankly at the floor. 

"There has to be something we can do…Seth…" Summer says. 

"I'm open to suggestions…" Seth replies, putting an arm around her. They watch Ryan.


	7. Seven

*****

__

"Ryan…Ryan, are you in here?"

"Marissa, what are you doing here? It's like…It's three am…"Ryan sat up in bed and squinted his eyes to try and see her in the darkened pool house. 

"I had to see you…"

"What's wrong? Why are you crying?" He called, reaching for her.

"Oh god…I saw Luke…and Holly…and all that shit…it just came smashing into me again…how stupid I am…how much time I wasted…" She climbed into bed and accepted his arms around her.

"Shh…you're not stupid…hey…" Ryan took her face in his hands and tilted it so she could see his eyes. "We've talked about this. You loved Luke. Love is never wasted…"

"Ryan…he doesn't even love her, he waited until she was gone and he started hitting on me…he wanted me to give him another chance…" She cried.

Ryan stiffened. 

"So I snapped…I cussed him out…slapped him just for asking…"

"I must be rubbing off on you," Ryan replied

Marissa laughed and snuggled in further under his covers.

*****

"Come on, Ryan, don't think. Just walk. Just a little further…" Seth's voice flashes in his mind but he can't see through the fog. He obeys.

__

*****

_"Ryan? What are you doing out here? It's four a.m.…" _

"Are you looking for me? Is everything okay?" Ryan asks immediately.

She sat down beside him on the sand, reaching for him. He flinched at her touch.

"What is it? What's going on?" She asked, concerned now.

"Nothing. I'm fine…"  
"You're sitting on the beach at four am on a school night…smoking. And I know you quit. Talk to me," She urged.

"I said I'm fine. I just needed a little thinking time," Ryan replied.

She reached out then and took his hand. He was trembling. She felt the difference in the skin on his arm and ignored his protests, pulling up his sleeve.

"You…who did this to you?" 

"I did," Ryan lied.

"You burned cigarettes into your arm? Shut the fuck up…Ryan, who…" Marissa started, stopping mid-sentence.

"I did it…" He whispered.

"You went to see your mom, today…oh baby…what did she do to you?" Marissa tried to make him look at her.

Ryan wouldn't meet her gaze. 

"Ryan…why did she do this?"

Ryan hesitated. "She's not a bad mom…" 

"Goddammit, Ryan, don't defend her…"  
"She wants me to be strong," Ryan said, pulling his arm away from her. "She does it to make me stronger…"

"She's hurting you…"

"Doesn't hurt…" Ryan remarked, automatically. 

"Ryan, listen to me…this is not normal…" She grabbed his arm and forced him to look at it. "Your mother should not be doing this to you. Promise me…" She took his face in her hands, seriously. "Promise me you won't see her anymore…"

"She's my mom, Marissa…"

"She abandoned you. Let her go. Don't let her do this to you. You're strong enough already, okay?" Marissa urged.

"She says I'm getting soft…that I've forgotten where I came from…she just took my arm…reminded me that I'm different…that I'm still her son…" Ryan said.

She embraced him but he couldn't respond. He let her hold him on the beach until the sun came up.

*****

"Is he still breathing up there?"

"Yes, Seth. I need a cigarette…"

"You don't smoke…"

"I'm starting today…"

*****

__

Ryan was startled as Marissa angrily slammed the door to the pool house. 

"What the hell is wrong with me? Why did I think you'd be any fucking different than Luke?" Marissa accused. Seth had bolted from the room, giving Ryan a curious look.

"What?"

"Fuck you, Ryan, fuck you for making me love you…" She started to cry. He was frozen for a moment, wincing at her words as if struck.

He got off the couch and took her hands despite her protests. "What the fuck did I do?"

"Who's Cara?"

Ryan was stricken. "What?"

"Cara. You know who I'm talking about!" Marissa accused.

"Marissa, where did you hear about Cara?" Ryan asked, quietly, releasing her.

"Who cares where I heard it from! It's true, isn't it?"

"That depends on what you heard," Ryan replied, sitting down. 

"I heard that you…that you slept with her…"

Ryan glanced up at her. She sat down. "That's true. I did," He stated slowly.

Marissa gasped.

"When we were going out. Three years ago," Ryan added calmly. Marissa looked at him, confused. 

"What?"

"Cara was my first," Ryan said. "I mean, I told you that I wasn't a virgin but I…I didn't think you wanted names…" He hesitated. "How'd you hear her name?"

"Summer…I guess Seth told her and she overreacted," Marissa replied, flushed now that she knows the truth.

"I can't believe you'd think that I'd cheat on you, Marissa…"

"You slept with her when you were thirteen, Ryan?" Marissa interrupted. 

"Yeah, I guess," Ryan shrugged. 

"Did you love her?" Marissa asked.

"No. She was the sister of one of my brother's friends. She was sixteen, I was thirteen and she thought I was cute. We messed around, had huge fights and then we were done. I didn't even really like her that much…"

"Why were you with her, then?" Marissa asked.

"It got me out of the house," Ryan replied honestly. 

"Ryan…I know you're not a virgin…but how experienced are you?" She asked quietly.

"It matters to you?" He questioned.

"No. But I'd like to know."

"I've been with a lot of girls. Always safe…no accidents…I've been tested…"

Marissa looked at him, shocked. "Can I get a number?" 

Ryan took her hands. "Baby, I don't want this to matter, sex…it never meant anything to me…the relationship, that's the important part…I love you and I'll wait forever if you want me to…you're more important than any of that…"

"How many?"

"Eight…ten…" Ryan muttered. 

"Okay. Okay, Ryan. It's okay," She sighed. 

"You're mad."

"No, I'm not. I'm glad you told me."

"Really?" Ryan asked. 

"Yeah, Ryan," Marissa smiled sadly. 

*****

__

"Ryan?" Summer calls.

"Yeah?" He replies drowsily.

"What are you thinking about?" She sounds relieved.

Ryan glances around. He's sitting in Summer's car. He's smoking a cigarette. She plucks it from his fingers and inhales deeply. He's smoking her cigarette. "Where are we?"

"Thank god that drug's wearing off," Summer sighs. 

The back door opens and Seth gets in the car with a bag full of chips

"Hey. What's going on?"

"We kidnapped you," Summer replies, deadpan.

"What?" Ryan questions.

"You don't remember the doctor shooting you full of drugs? Damn, dude…" Seth says, leaning forward as Summer starts the car and pulls away.

"Man, it was so scary…I mean, the first time was fine but then you got upset and he gave you, like, a double dose and you were just…" Summer explains.

"Gone. You were just gone," Seth finishes.

"So…okay…thanks? Are you sure?" Ryan questions, worried.

"I mean, yeah. The funeral's tomorrow and I told the Cohens that I needed to go home to get clothes and I needed Seth to come, too. And then we led you, all obedient puppy-like to the car. The Cohens probably don't even know you're gone." 

"Where are we going?" Ryan asks.

"My parents beach house. Not the one we live in, but the other one. You've never been there. It won't…it won't remind you so much of her…" Summer answers. 

"Guys, thanks…I don't even know what to say…" Ryan says. 

"Don't say anything, dude, just stay conscious," Seth replies.

"You can smoke cigarettes and get drunk and just not freak out there, okay?" Summer says. "It's definitely not a freaking out kind of place."

"We are going to get in so much trouble," Ryan says, turning around to look at Seth.

"It's my fault they called the doctor. So I take full responsibility for this," Seth replies.

"Your parents will understand," Summer says. "They'll understand."

*****


	8. Eight

*****

At Summer's beach house, Summer gives the boys a quick tour before disappearing to get a shower and clothes. She shows them the liquor cabinet and points Ryan to a guestroom where he can smoke and drink in peace. Ryan immediately sits down on the bed. Seth joins him.

"So. How you feeling?" Seth asks.

"I'm better. I'm sorry I'm freaking out…" Ryan starts.

"Hey, don't apologize. Dude, you're like emotionless most of the time so Summer and I figure that you're due for a breakdown," Seth replies reassuringly. 

"Thanks, I guess." Ryan is silent. "I haven't cried since my dad went to jail. Years ago. And now, it's like…all I can do is cry…"

"It'll get better. At least that's what everyone keeps telling me," Seth replies.

"I hope so. I need to make a phone call."

"Okay. To who?"

"Trey."

Seth glances at him, curiously but nods to a phone in the corner of the room.

"Sweet."

"I'm going to go see what's in Summer's fridge…" Seth says, leaving his friend alone. Ryan gets up and gathers some things for strength.

Ryan had started visiting his brother in jail about a month earlier. Encouraged by an argument with Marissa, he had decided to try and reconnect with his once mentor. Marissa had been driving him to visit Trey once a week and the two brothers had developed a decent friendship. Trey, while incarcerated, was beginning to respect Ryan for trying to fix his life. Ryan respects his brother's opinion. He dials the prison, talks to the operator and waits for his brother's voice.

"Trey Atwood."

"Trey."

"Ry, is that you?"

"Yeah."

"I missed you today. You forget or something?"

"Got some stuff on my mind."

"What could be bothering you, kid? You're living in, like, heaven, with a gorgeous girl and good grades…Ryan?"

"Yeah."

"What up? Should I not be joking? Are you mad at me or something? Did Mom call you again?

"No."

"You feel like telling me why you called sounding like a zombie?"

"I'm losing my shit," Ryan states flatly.

"Huh. How come, little bro?"

"News. You get the news in there?"

"Yeah, kid, why? Are you on the news?"

"School shooting…Marissa…"

"Cooper…shit, Ry, that was your girl? That…that means you took down the gunman…oh shit, kid…"

"Shut up, Trey…this is a bad idea…"

"Don't hang up. Tell me…Ryan?"

Ryan doesn't reply. 

"You're still there."

"I loved her, Trey. More than anything…"

"I'm sorry, Ry…"

"And now…it's killing me…"

"Ryan, where are you? Where are the Cohens?"

Ryan hesitates.

"Kid, come on. I'm worried. What can I do about it in here?"

"I'm sick. I keep having these panic attacks or something…"

"Shit…you did it when you were a kid…Dad would beat the shit out of you…you'd just fall over…"

"Yeah, well…" Ryan pauses, thoughtful. "They called a doctor who shot me full of tranquilizers or something and…well…my friends, kind of, smuggled me out of there…hey, I've be conscious like an hour now, so that's new."

"But you're okay?"

"I don't think I'm going to be okay for a while…"

"Are you drinking?"

"No."

"Swear. Swear to me. Ryan, you know you can't drink…"

"I'm not drinking."

"You go to a meeting?"

"Fuck you, Trey, I don't need a fucking meeting!" Ryan snaps.

"What do you need, Ryan?" Trey asks, calmer.

"I need her to not be dead…maybe then I could remember how to breathe…"

"Ryan, she's gone. She was important but so are you…"

"I'm nothing without her. She made me okay, Trey…she made me good…"

"Chill, kid, I'm really not liking how you sound…" Trey replies. "What are you thinking? How are you going to play this?"

"What?"

"You have to shake it off before it poisons you. You can't just die with her…"

"Thanks, Trey. I have to go…"

"No, Ryan, wait…"

"I'll give you a call next week," Ryan replies.

"No visit?"

"Marissa was my ride. The Cohens don't know that I visit you. I'll call."

"You'll be okay, Ryan."

"Whatever. Bye." Ryan hangs up, frustrated.

"Ryan," Seth says from behind him.

"Yeah?"

"Nobody can tell you how to get over this. If we knew how, we'd tell you."

"I know…" Ryan shudders. He lights a cigarette and takes a swallow of whiskey. Seth regards him silently. Ryan's lying in bed with an ashtray and a fifth of whiskey. "Um, yeah, I know that I'm not handling this at all…I think I'm having a meltdown…so I'm reverting to old habits because…" Ryan meets Seth's gaze. "Because I have to remember who I was before I met her…"  
"Damn, Ryan…" Seth gasps.

"We were really tight, Seth…I told her…I told her a lot of things…she could read me…it's really like a part of me is just gone…" Ryan whispers. He shakes himself back to clarity. He glances at the bottle in his hand and holds it out to Seth. Seth takes it.

"I can't drink. I mean, I'm not supposed to drink," Ryan mutters.

"What does that mean?" Seth asks quietly.

Ryan sighs and Seth sits down, sensing that his friend is ready to talk.

"Man, there are some things that…you're my best friend, Seth, but there are some things that I don't want you to know about me…I had to tell Marissa because we were together so much…she needed to know…but I'm not proud…"

"It's okay, Ryan…" Seth replies, confused but interested.

"I used to have a drinking problem. I was young, but it was always around and I used it to keep myself going…shit, I was drinking a lot…but I had a friend who snapped me out of it. I go to AA meetings sometimes…but…it's not usually an issue…" Ryan explains, his eyes lowered. "I mean, I can drink a beer or two and not go on a binge but…I don't think I should be drinking right now…"

"You're probably right," Seth nods.

"Have you called your parents?" Ryan asks quietly.

"They've left me, like, 500 messages, but no. Want to be moral support?" Seth smiles, pulling out his phone.

"Let me call them," Ryan replies. "I really feel better here. This was a good idea."

"I'm glad. Summer's sleeping so I'm going to call my folks and lie down, too. Ryan-sitting is tiring work," Seth smirks.

"I'll call. Trust me. Go sleep," Ryan says. "I'll be okay."

Seth raises an eyebrow. "Really?"

"Yeah. Give me your phone so they won't see the caller id," Ryan says. Seth hands him the phone.

"I'll be in the next room," Seth nods. 

Ryan waits until he leaves to dial the Cohens number. 

"Seth, thank god…where are you?" Kirsten answers, panicked.

"It's Ryan…" 

"Thank god again…where are you?"

"I'm with Seth…" 

"Where, Ryan?"

"I needed to get out of there. I couldn't be there anymore so they took me somewhere that I could get some space."

"Are you all right?" Kirsten asks.

"I know I scared you guys, but that doctor…that doctor scared Seth and Summer enough for them to feel a need to rescue me. So, I don't remember but I trust their judgement. I mean, Seth's the one that asked you to call the doctor, he wouldn't have done this if he didn't think it would help…" Ryan explains.  
"Ryan…your brother just called Sandy. He says you called him? He's worried about you and he wanted to tell us that you were upset…"

"Yeah…but I'm not catatonic, I'm not sobbing…I'm simply upset now."

"Okay, Ryan, let's not talk about the whole disappearance thing right now. Talk to me…"

"What did Trey say?" Ryan asks.

"That you'd been visiting him. That you were devastated and not making sense. He said…"

"He said I used to drink, didn't he?" Ryan sighs, realizing Kirsten's point.

"Yes, Ryan," Kirsten replies.

"I'm handling it. I mean, I started but I stopped myself. I told Seth and he's cool with it." Ryan hesitates. "It's like…I haven't needed a sponsor in a long time but…Marissa was that for me…she helped keep me sober when I needed it because I got her to quit drinking…"

"Ryan, I don't think you should be by yourself right now…I know Seth and Summer are there, but you should be with your family…"

"They're my family, too…" Ryan protests.

"What happens when you collapse again? What are Seth and Summer going to be able to do for you?"

Ryan is silent. "What would you be able to do for me?"

Kirsten sighs. 

"Listen, don't be mad at Seth, he's trying to get me through this. I don't want to have to depend on those drugs to keep me going. I hate drugs. I miss her, Mrs. Cohen…I'm actually aching inside when I think about her…being there, in that pool house…she's still lingering…I can smell her scent…I think…I think this is a good idea. I'm doing better."

"Jimmy wants you to come to the funeral. I didn't know you guys were friends," Kirsten says. "There's a lot of things I didn't know about you. You're visiting your brother. You and Marissa were…"

"Don't…"

"I knew you were in love, Ryan, but I'm sorry that I didn't see how real it was," Kirsten continues. 

"I'm sorry, too." Ryan takes a deep breath. He lights a cigarette.

"Will you call us if you need us?"

"Yeah. This…this isn't about you guys, you've been great…this is…" Ryan is silent. He inhales desperately from the cigarette. "It takes a lot for me to trust people and…I trusted Marissa a lot…now all that's gone…I…I think I depended on her a little too much and it's twisting my head all up…"

"Ryan."

"No, I'm okay. I'm dealing with it. I have to go on. I'm not out of my head and Seth and Summer are resting and everything is cool."

"I hear you smoking…" Kirsten scolds.

"Sorry…that's true…it gives me something to focus on," Ryan admits. "How's Jimmy?"

"You can call him by his first name but not me?" Kirsten asks, smiling over the phone.

"Sorry…"

"He's okay. I mean, he lost his daughter but…he's dealing with it. He wanted you to ride with him tomorrow before the service. So you could see her…"

Ryan pales and is glad that he is sitting down. He recovers himself. 

"But I wasn't sure if you were going…"

"We're going. Last check, I mean. I need to do this for Summer. She's holding it together but…I mean, her parents haven't even called," Ryan replies. 

"Poor girl…" 

"She'll be okay. She's strong. But she wants to go to the funeral…what about those news crews, Mrs. Cohen? Are they going to be there?"

"Yes, Ryan, probably. I'm amazed Seth and Summer got you out of here without them seeing you. That's why Sandy and I want you guys to come home. That way we can all go to the funeral together."

"I'll talk to them when they wake up. I'll get Seth to give you a call," Ryan promises. 

"You sound better. I'm glad you're talking again…"

"I am better. But I still don't know if I'm going to be okay. I mean…I know that we were just starting out and all…but we had a connection…"

"I know, Ryan…I'm sorry…"

"Thanks."

"You won't tell me where you are?" Kirsten asks, quietly.

"I'll let Seth decide. I'm sorry, but…I'm letting them take care of this. I don't think I should be making decisions right now…"

"Okay. Do you mind talking to Sandy for a minute? There are some…things he needs to talk to you about," Kirsten says.

"Sure."  
"Ryan?" 

"Yeah. I'm here. Intact," Ryan replies.

"Good. Where are you?" Sandy pauses and Ryan hears Kirsten talking to him. "Okay. Listen, Ryan…as your attorney, I've been fielding all the questions from the media but the police need you to come down and give a more detailed statement. I've managed to stall them, but you really need to go down there."

Ryan sighs. "Am I in trouble?"

"You shouldn't be…"

"You're hesitating, Mr. Cohen. Tell me," Ryan urges, getting concerned.

"You're on probation. Fighting at school is considered a violation of your probation…"  
"Shit…I'm going to go to juvie for taking out a kid that was shooting up the school?" Ryan whispers, startled. 

"Ryan, I'm just telling you the possibilities, I won't let that happen…" Sandy protests.

"Shit…" Ryan repeats. 

"They need you to go and make a statement. That's all for now. I've talked to your probation officer and the principal of the school…"  
"Thanks, Mr. Cohen…but I'm screwed, aren't I? I mean…there's no loophole for me…" Ryan sighs.

"Don't panic, Ryan, we can handle this…"

"I'm cool. Seriously. Going to jail always snaps me back into reality," Ryan mutters.

"Why don't you come home so we can talk about this, Ryan?"

"Can you stall them until tomorrow? After the funeral? I'll…I don't want to say anything to Seth or Summer in case…in case I have to go away for a while," Ryan says quietly.

"There's no way this will hold up in court, Ryan…its just red tape, okay? I don't want you worrying about this…" Sandy starts.

"Okay. Whatever you need to say. Listen, I'm going to go. Seth's going to call you later. I don't want to run his battery dead."

"Are you okay?"

"I'm getting there."

"Kirsten says to tell you to put the cigarette away and get some rest," Sandy says.

"Thanks." Ryan hangs up. "Damn." He wishes he hadn't given his bottle to Seth. He could really use a drink.


	9. Nine

*****

Summer wakes up to the sound of music. Loud, angry rock music. It takes her a second to recognize her surroundings but finally she realizes that she's in her room at her beach house. The previous days come back to her in a rush and she gets up, needing to check on Ryan. 

"What the hell are you doing?" Summer asks, bursting into the kitchen. Ryan is standing in front of the stove with his back to her.

"Cooking," Ryan replies.

"Check out the apron!" Seth calls from the dining room. 

Summer has to laugh when Ryan turns around and looks at her. His face is spotted with flour and he's sporting a pink apron. He gives her a slight smile. 

"You're not vegetarian, are you?" He asks.

"No, but what are you doing?"

"Didn't we just go through this? I'm cooking. You need to eat. Seth needs to eat. I haven't been able to keep anything down for days so I'm thinking that we need a meal," Ryan replies.

"What happened to you? Are you like, split personality guy or something?"

Ryan smiles slightly again, lifting Summer's spirits immediately. "I hope not. Let's not give me any more issues, okay?"

Summer goes to his side. "What are you making?"

"Hmm. That's a good question," Ryan replies as Seth joins them in the kitchen. "Potatoes, burgers, chicken, bread…"

"How many people are coming to dinner?" Summer jokes, seeing the amount of food that Ryan's preparing.

"Just us. I need to keep busy. We have a pretty rough day ahead tomorrow. I figured…I need to do something for you guys since you've been holding me together lately," Ryan replies quietly.

"And I am really starving," Seth says, trying to keep the upbeat mood.

"Yeah, hurry up, Chino," Summer teases. "Why the angry music?"

Ryan's eyes flicker for a moment. "Its Marissa's favorite. I found it by the stereo. She'd been looking for the CD for a while."

"Oh…I didn't recognize it…"

"Yeah, we saw your musical taste in there. Come on, Justin Timberlake?" Seth teases.

"Hey, I have yet to find another white boy that makes me want to dance," Summer replies with a smile. She watches as Ryan returns his attention to the food on the stove. 

"How are you feeling?" Seth asks her, putting a hand on her back.

"I'm okay. What time is it?"

"It's around ten. Ryan was up so I got up. He called my folks and managed to get them to let us be. They want us to go with them to the funeral tomorrow to avoid the press and stuff," Seth explains.

Summer is watching Ryan closely. His hands are still trembling but his eyes are clear and focused on his work. "What's eating you?"

"What?" Ryan asks.

"Something's up with you. Something different. What did the Cohens say to you?" Summer asks.

Ryan sighs. "I have to go see the cops after the funeral. They need an official statement."

Seth nods to Summer, indicating that he got the same story. "That's all, he says."

Summer accepts it with a nod, giving Seth a wary look.

"That's it, guys, don't be so paranoid," Ryan says evenly. "Everything's cool. I was thinking that, if it's cool, that we crash here tonight and head over to the Cohens in the morning."

"Sounds like a plan…" Summer says, jumping as the phone rings. 

"I didn't think anyone knew we were here," Seth says instantly.

"People still call sometimes." Summer goes to the phone and answers it. "Hello?"

"Summer?"

"Yeah?"

"It's Luke. How you doing?"

"Okay. Why are you calling me here?" Summer asks, walking from the kitchen to escape Seth and Ryan's ears.

"I tried your house, Cohen's house and then I found this number. Word is that you guys had to take Chino somewhere 'cause he's flipping out."

"Where'd you hear that from?"

"Marissa's dad called me," Luke admits. 

"Oh."

"So where's Chino?" He asks after a long pause.

"Depends. Why are you asking?"

"I need to talk to him. Not about Marissa, about something else I heard. Is he there?"

"Depends…" Summer starts.

"Summer, come on. I know the kid's devastated…shit…but this is important," Luke says.

Summer walks back into the kitchen and hands the phone to Ryan. He accepts it, curiously.

"Yeah?"

"Ryan. It's Luke."

"What's up?"

"I need to talk to you. Can you step outside or something?" 

Ryan shrugs to Summer and Seth, covering the phone. "Can you watch this stuff for a second?"

"Um, sure. But we're not responsible for any fires or poisoning," Seth replies. Ryan pulls the apron off and hands it to Seth who looks at him, feigning indignation. 

Ryan smiles, taking the phone and a pack of cigarettes to the back patio. "Okay, Luke, what's up?"

"This is such bullshit, man."

"What?"

"I had to go talk to the cops today about the stuff at the school. The kid that you took down, his family's suing the school."

Ryan sits down. "What?"

"That's what I said. Anyway, I heard you hadn't been down there yet and I know…I know you're on probation or whatever…"

"Don't say it, Luke. I don't want Seth and Summer to hear about this, okay?" Ryan says quietly. 

"So…what do you know?"

"Fighting at school is a violation of my probation," Ryan whispers. "Mr. Cohen says I shouldn't worry, but…I have a feeling this is going to just get worse."

"Damn, man. I'm sorry…"

"This isn't your fault. I don't regret what I did. I mean, I'm on probation, dude, I'm the only one responsible for that. This is just…I'm just getting punished for my crimes, right?"

"So, you're not going to tell them? Summer and Cohen?"

"I told them that I have to go to the police station tomorrow. That's it. I'll deal with the rest if I have to. They don't need to know."

"Why don't you get out of town, Chino? Shit, I'll give you a ride…"

"I'm done running. I can't do that to the Cohens now. I'd rather rot in jail than hurt these people again by running out on them…"

"But…you don't think Mr. Cohen can get you out of this?" Luke asks, quietly.

"I had a little hope but if the kid's family's suing…I don't know. Why do you care, Luke?"

"I care…because Marissa cared. I got you into this…"

"Luke, come on," Ryan mutters.

"You have to admit that I had something to do with it, right?" 

"I'm not into blaming this on anyone except those fucking kids trying to play Rambo, Luke." He lights a cigarette. "What else did you hear? How were the cops?"

"Assholes. They were all about trying to get me to fess up to be in on it with those kids. I told them they could go to hell. After the interviews were over, they were very polite. They're under a lot of pressure to prosecute the case, they said. But they're pretty brutal…"

"Figured as much." 

"This really isn't phasing you?"

"Oh, I'm definitely phased. But I'm not about to lose it again. I can hold it together tonight and through the funeral tomorrow. Then I'll worry about this. I'm serious, Luke. Don't say anything."

"Okay. But if you change your mind about running…"

"I appreciate the gesture."

"Is Mr. Cooper taking you tomorrow?"

"I haven't talked to him. The Cohens want to keep the press away so I'll find out tomorrow." Ryan hears a loud alarm from the house. Dinner.

"I have to go. We can talk tomorrow," Ryan says, rushing into the house. The kitchen is filled with smoke and Summer and Seth are coughing and standing by the stove.

Ryan gently pushes Seth and Summer out of the way. "Damn, I was gone for like, two minutes and you guys caught stuff on fire!" Ryan exclaims, calmly moving the flaming pan from the range to the sink so it can burn out. 

"Sorry…" Summer coughs. 

"Go outside, both of you. This smoke isn't good for you. I'll take care of this," He orders. Summer and Seth step outside and Ryan proceeds to salvage what he can. After the kitchen is cleared of smoke, Ryan puts the food he managed to save on the dining room table. He goes into the kitchen and suddenly feels him resolve waver. He puts his hands on the counter as he starts to tremble. He closes his eyes and forces himself not to think of her. Marissa. 

"Hey," Seth calls.

Ryan steadies himself as Seth and Summer return. "Hey."

"You still okay?" Seth asks, glancing at Summer.

"Let's eat, okay? Let's sit down and eat what you guys didn't destroy," Ryan smiles to reassure them. The three friends go to the table. 


	10. Ten

****

for jane

225 days under grass

and you know more than I.

they have long taken your blood, 

you are a dry stick in a basket. 

is this how it works? 

in this room

the hours of love

still make shadows. 

when you left 

you took almost 

everything. 

I kneel in the nights 

before tigers 

that will not let me be. 

what you were 

will not happen again. 

the tigers have found me 

and I do not care. 

--Bukowski

Summer dresses for the funeral and then gets Ryan and Seth into her car. The funeral starts at noon but they pull up to the Cohens around 7 am. None of them were able to sleep, they sat up most of the night watching videos and keeping each other company. The press is parked outside but Summer squeezes her car through the vans to make it safely to the Cohen's driveway.

Kirsten and Sandy are not up so Seth and Summer sit down at the counter. Ryan makes breakfast. They are all subdued but steady. By the time Sandy and Kirsten get up, the teenagers have eaten and are watching cartoons in the den to avoid seeing the news.

"Ryan? Can I talk to you?" Sandy calls after he has eaten with Kirsten.

"Why so secretive?" Seth asks as Ryan gets up and goes to the door.

"It's cool, Seth. I'll be back," Ryan says, quietly.

"Something's going on," Summer whispers to Seth once they are gone.

Sandy leads Ryan into his small office. 

"Mr. Cohen, I'm going to cooperate. I got a call from Luke last night. He says the kid I took down is suing," Ryan says once the door is closed. 

"What?" Sandy asks, startled.

"Yeah. Suing the school. There's no way I'm getting out of this. There are video cameras in the cafeteria. I attacked that kid. Sure, he had a gun and had just killed my girlfriend, but I'm on probation." Ryan meets Sandy's gaze. "I'm going to juvie. I need to know how long I'm going to be in there. Can you get me out or am I going in for good?"

"Ryan, I won't let them take you to juvenile hall…" Sandy sighs.

"You can't stop them, Mr. Cohen. Don't bullshit with me. Not today."

Sandy sighs again, pulling out some paperwork and glancing over it. "At the most, Ryan…I don't know. If they do decide to send you to juvie, I should be able to get you out in a couple of days. I'll get you out, Ryan."

"I trust you," Ryan replies quietly. "I'll be on my best behavior, Mr. Cohen…but if they put me in…" He turns his back to him and puts his hands against the wall, taking a deep breath. "If I go to juvie, I've got some enemies already waiting for me. I don't know if I can stay out of trouble there."

"Ryan…" Sandy begins.

"No, it's cool. I hope it doesn't come to that, but…I'm used to being disappointed," He smiles sadly, turning back around. "Promise me that you won't tell Seth…not until we know for sure…"

"Okay, Ryan."

"Really?" Ryan asks.

"I owe you that much, Ryan," Sandy replies.

"I don't want to lie to him. But I don't want him to worry any more than he is already," Ryan says.

Sandy nods. "I'm going to make some calls. I'm going to try and work this out."

"I hope you're as good of a lawyer as Seth says," Ryan smiles sadly. "But I understand."

"Ryan…"

"I'm going to go lie down for a while before the funeral. Get myself together," Ryan says. "Can you tell Seth and Summer where I am?"

Sandy nods as Ryan leaves.

He lies down on the bed. Rosa has changed the sheets so they smell like dryer sheets and not like Marissa anymore. 

*****

_Ryan was waiting for her outside the building. He looked up with a slight smile when she emerged._

"Everything cool?" He asked, accepting her in his arms automatically.

"Yeah. I told her everything. The drinking…how I wasn't taking my meds…I told her about you…"

"Should I be honored to be a part of your therapy sessions?" He teased, leading her to the car. 

"Yeah. She said you were good for me…she said you were right about us not getting into a relationship yet…"

Ryan opened the door for her. "Ah. The one thing I wish I was wrong about…"

"Hey, it's always been your idea, kid," She laughed. He started her car. She liked to watch him drive, she told him once.

"You know I'm trying to be the voice of reason. I mean…you know how I feel about you and that's not going to change so we have time. I can wait for you to be okay," Ryan said.

"Can you? What if I'm okay now?" Marissa replied.

"Are you okay?" He asked immediately, glancing at her seriously.

"Yeah…"

"I talk to you, Marissa, when you're at your dad's. I don't have to be able to see you to know how much that tears you up…" Ryan sighed. "You are better, Marissa…you're amazing…but I don't know if…I don't know if you're okay all the time."

"I'm better with you…" Marissa whispered.

"But what if something happens to me? What if I have to go live with Dawn again or I get sent to juvie?" Ryan asked, calm. "You know…it would kill me if you depended on me that much…I mean, Luke…Luke drove you to that and I don't want to be the next relationship that's going to send you over the edge."

"Damn, Ryan…we haven't even kissed and it would kill me anyway if I lost you" She looked at him. "Don't you know how much you mean to me?"

"Don't say that, Marissa." He was stopped at a stop sign when he turned to her, his eyes dark with seriousness. "Promise me you wouldn't do anything stupid if…I…don't say that!"

Marissa took his face in her hands and kissed him. "There. Now we've kissed. That's enough."

"What?" Ryan questioned, confused A car blows its horn behind them..

"I couldn't live with myself if I'd lost you and we'd never kissed," She smiled slightly. "I'm satisfied for now. The rest can wait."

*****

"Hey. What are you going to wear? Oh. Were you sleeping?" Summer's voice jolts Ryan awake.

"No. I was dreaming," Ryan replies, sitting up and putting a hand to his face.

"Good or bad?" She asks, sitting down beside him on the bed.

"Depends. Am I awake or asleep?" Ryan answers. 

Summer glances at him, confused.

"Never mind. Are you going to tell me what to wear?"

"Yes. Marissa would never forgive me if you looked like ass at her funeral…" Summer says, attempting a joke. She falters in her smile and Ryan immediately embraces her. She cries softly.

"You were her best friend…" Ryan says.

"No, you were her best friend…but she was mine…she was my only real friend…" Summer cries. 

"Well, I can be your friend, Summer. God knows, I need one like you…I can't replace Marissa…but I can be your friend," Ryan soothes. "You've really taken care of me these last few days…"

Summer is composed as she pulls away and looks at him. "I'm sorry that I didn't realize how much she…I mean, she told me she loved you, but I didn't really believe her until I saw you in that cafeteria…I saw you die when she did, Ryan…and I can't let that happen to you."

"No tears, today, Summer…I think I'm dehydrated," Ryan says, putting an arm around her. "Clothes."

Summer nods and goes to his closet. 

"I'm going to go get a shower. I'll be right back."

Ryan comes back later and Summer is gone but a suit is lying on the bed. He dresses and meets the gathered mourners in the house. They leave for the church.


	11. Eleven

Jimmy meets them outside the church. Ryan is steady and composed, his hand on Summer's back. She holds Seth's arm. 

"Um…It's just the viewing right now…it's an open casket and…its just family now…if you want to see her…" Jimmy tells the three teenagers as they pause to speak. Summer flinches and Ryan supports her as she falters.

"Hey, we talked about this, okay?" Seth whispers to her, gently. "You don't have to…"

"Yeah…I need to…" Summer replies, nodding. "Yeah…Ryan?"

"I'm cool. I'm cool, Summer," Ryan promises, steadying himself. 

"Let's go…" Summer links arms with Seth and Ryan follows them closely until Summer reaches her hand behind her and he accepts it.

The waiting room is chaotic with whispers and nervous laughter. Seth is the leader suddenly, ignoring the glances and calls and walking into the foyer leading to the smaller chapel.

Ryan is cold, he stops. He is frozen for a moment. Summer turns, alerting Seth. Ryan closes his eyes. She's gone. It's only her body in the box. She's gone. 

"Ryan." Summer's voice is quiet but urgent. Worried.

He opens his eyes. He takes a deep breath. His lungs are still functioning. He's like ice now. He's numb with cold but he has to keep going.

"Let's go. It's cool," Ryan says, taking Summer's hand and ignoring her panicked expression. "I'm ready when you are."

"Are you ready, Summer?" Seth asks. She takes his hand in reply and the three friends step into the room with the coffin. The room is empty of people. Except Marissa is there.

"Fuck you two, I don't think I can do this…" Seth says suddenly.

"We go together or not at all," Ryan replies.

Summer steps away from them and goes to the white casket, peering inside with a gasp.

Ryan joins her, worried, but he doesn't look in, he closes his eyes as he puts his hand on her shoulder. 

"No, Chino…look…" Summer says. "It's okay…it doesn't even look real…it's not real…I mean…its not her in the box…she's somewhere better…"

"God…" Seth whispers. 

Ryan turns away from them, losing his breath again. He focuses and recovers his strength before Summer or Seth can speak. He looks in the coffin. 

Summer distracts him suddenly by reaching in and lifting Marissa's hand. Summer deftly slips the bracelet from Ryan's drawer around Marissa's wrist and gently replaces it. Summer has tears running down her face as she places the tube of lip-gloss in Marissa's hand.

"In case she needs it where she is…" Summer whispers. Seth hugs her impulsively and she returns it, needing the reassurance.

Ryan is not looking in the coffin again. He is standing. He is breathing. He is not crying. 

"I'm good. We can go," Summer says, glancing at Ryan.

"Okay." He nods, giving her a slight smile to keep her from worrying about him. They step back into the foyer. 

"Ryan. Can I have a moment?" Julie Cooper's voice startles them all.

"Yes, ma'am." 

Summer and Seth walk into the waiting area and join Kirsten, Sandy and Jimmy.

A few seconds later, Julie exits the foyer in a rush. Ryan steps out, expressionless. 

"Ryan?" Kirsten calls, stepping forward.

"Mrs. Cooper doesn't want me here," Ryan says evenly. 

Kirsten and Summer gasp. 

"Ryan, don't listen to her…" Jimmy starts. "You should be here…"

"No, it's okay. Really. It's probably for the best. Mr. Cohen…" Ryan looks to Sandy.

"Sandy, stay…" Kirsten says, suddenly, startling everyone with her tone. 

"I'm not going to disrespect Marissa's mother no matter what she says to me. I can call a taxi if you want Mr. Cohen to stay…" Ryan says quietly. 

"I'm not staying without you," Summer says.

"Guys…please stay. Marissa would want you here…she would understand why I have to go," Ryan says suddenly, to Seth and Summer. 

"Take him home, Sandy," Kirsten says. 

"Call me when you're heading home, okay?" Sandy says, kissing her cheek. Kirsten nods and embraces Ryan as he starts past her. 

"It's cool, Mrs. Cohen…" Ryan says.

"Go home, Ryan. Don't go anywhere else yet. Let Sandy work," Kirsten whispers in his ear.

"Hey." Ryan pulls away. "Everything's going to be okay. Your son has great wisdom," He nods.

Seth does an exaggerated bow. "You are a good student, grasshopper."

Ryan bows in return and leaves with Sandy.

In the car, Sandy turns to him before starting the engine. "I'm supposed to take you home."

"Don't take me home just so they can watch me leave again," Ryan states quietly. "I'm ready for this. Nothing could be worse than standing beside her coffin."

"Okay, Ryan, but…"

"I really don't think I can talk anymore," Ryan interrupts. He closes his eyes and leans his head against the window. 

At the police station, Sandy sits by, frustrated, as the officer and federal agents interrogate Ryan. Ryan remains calm throughout. He didn't know the gunmen. He just moved schools. He didn't have any classes with them. He helped Luke because the safety of the kids around was more important than their feud. 

"You're on probation, Atwood, why would you attack that kid? Why not let some of Luke's water polo boys do it?" An officer asks.

Ryan's eyes flash darkly. "They weren't where I was. They couldn't have gotten to him without getting shot." He shakes his head. "I mean…I was holding Marissa and she was dying and you expect me to be thinking about my probation? People were shooting at us…"

One of the officers exits the room. There is a long silence. 

"Mr. Cohen? Can you step outside?" They leave Ryan alone in the room. He leans forward and lays his face on the table. About ten minutes later, Sandy returns.

Ryan lifts his head. He sees the officers behind him. He automatically puts his hands behind his back in anticipation of the cuffs.

"Three days minimum," Sandy says quietly.

"Okay," Ryan nods. 

"Because the child's parent has filed a complaint against the school they have to charge you…" Sandy begins.

"I don't care. Just…tell Seth and Summer that I'll see them in three days."

"Stay out of trouble…" Sandy says, trying to be reassuring as they push Ryan from the room.

"Easy for you to say…" Ryan mutters. 


	12. Twelve

Sandy arrives home after dark. Kirsten flips the outside light on for him, stepping into the driveway.

"Goddamn you, Sandy…why didn't you wait? Why couldn't you get him out of it?" Kirsten asks, upset.

Sandy hugs her. "Please don't make me feel any worse. You didn't have to leave him there…" Sandy whispers, walking away before she can protest. He goes into the house and calls for Seth.

Seth and Summer emerge from the den.

"Where the hell have you been?" Seth asks, seriously. "Where's Ryan?"

"Ryan made me promise not to tell you until after we were sure. I'm sorry…"

"What are you talking about?" Seth replies, too worried to react to Summer's hand grasping his arm.

"The shooter from the school that Ryan took down, his parents are suing the school…anyway, Ryan's on probation and fighting at school is a violation…"

"Where is Ryan?" Seth repeats, his eyes cold.

"Juvenile Hall…"Sandy answers. He turns away from the teenagers, guilt-ridden because he couldn't bring Ryan home. "The charges are going to be dropped but until then…he has to be there…"

"That's why he was acting so weird…that's why he pulled himself together…God…Mr. Cohen, how was he when you left him?" 

"I don't know. He accepted it. He made me promise not to tell you. I'll get him out."

Seth is not angry with his father, he walks over to him and embraces him quickly. "Thanks, Dad. Ryan knows you'll get him out."

*****

Sandy slams the door to the house the next night. Kirsten looks up in alarm. "Sandy?"

"Where's Seth?" 

"At Summer's. What happened?"

"Nothing…Dammit, nothing…Ryan's case is sitting on some judge's desk somewhere and he…he wouldn't see me when I went for visitation…"

Kirsten gasps. "What?"

"I don't know what's happening to him in there, Kirsten but shouldn't he want to see me for an update on his case?"

"You told him three days, maybe he doesn't want to get his hopes up," Kirsten suggests, upset.

"This isn't fair…dammit…I just feel like we're going to lose him…even if he comes back, I think we might have lost him…"

"Mom, Dad…" Seth walks in abruptly followed by Summer. "We've got news."

Summer holds out a thick manila envelope to Sandy. "Check it out."

Sandy opens the envelope and starts examining the paperwork inside. He glances up, startled. "How'd you get this?"

"I finally got in touch with my parents and my dad called in some favors. He knows the D.A. or something," Summer replies.

"Sandy?" Kirsten calls, still confused.

"This is documentation that the school is dropping all charges. It's what's supposed to happen in 2 days," Sandy explains.

"So can we go get him?" Kirsten asks before Seth can speak.

"Tomorrow. I'll have to take all this to court and cut through the red tape but I should have him out sometime tomorrow." Sandy smiles at Sandy, relieved. "Thank you."

"Hey, Ryan's a friend. He shouldn't be there."

*****

Sandy goes to court the next day while Kirsten takes Summer and Seth to the place where Ryan is being held. Ryan refuses to see them but Kirsten convinces a guard to check again and he agrees to see Seth.

"Oh my god," Seth says as Ryan walks out in his juvie-issued jumpsuit. His face is bruised and a blood-spotted bandage is showing above the collar of his jumpsuit reaching his neck.

"I don't want to talk about it. I don't want you to talk about it," Ryan says evenly, sitting down.

"Shit, Ryan, Dad's in court now and you're getting out today…" Seth starts.

"Stop. Don't give me false hope, Seth. I'm not having a good week." Ryan's eyes are dull

"I'm serious, Ryan. Are you okay?" Seth lowers his voice. He's aware that Ryan is overly tense and keeps furtively casting glances at the other kids in the visitation room.

"I'll live. No harm done. You're mad at me, I assume?" Ryan asks suddenly, changing the subject.

"Hell yeah. But if I had known I would have kidnapped you to Mexico or something…I would've gotten Doctor Adams' needle of obedience juice or something," Seth replies, trying to joke.

Ryan sighs. He raises his handcuffed hands to his face and Seth sees that his hands are bruised darkly. 

"Why didn't they take the handcuffs off?" Seth asks, quietly.

"'Cause they think I'll beat the fuck out of somebody," Ryan replies honestly. He lowers his eyes. "I hope your Dad can really get me out soon. Or I'm going to get into more trouble."

"Dammit, Ry, why didn't you run?" 

"Luke offered. I don't want to run anymore. I'm going to take my punishment this time…"

"What are you being punished for, Ryan? This is bullshit!" Seth remarks.

Ryan warns him to quiet with his eyes. "It's cool, Seth."

The two friends are silent. 

"That kid's in here," Ryan says quietly.

"What kid?"

"That kid that shot Marissa."

Seth gasps. "I thought he was being charged as an adult…" 

"His parents must be rich or something. He's like, two cells down," Ryan sighs.

"Ryan, don't do anything stupid, okay?" Seth urges. "We've almost got you out."

"I'm trying. But, Seth…if he says one more thing about Marissa…I can't promise anything, you hear me?" Ryan whispers, serious. 

"Yes, you can. I wouldn't ask, Ryan, if I wasn't really serious. Don't touch that kid. It could get you in a lot of trouble. Promise me that you won't touch that kid, Ryan," Seth urges.

Ryan hesitates. "I'm trying, Seth. I made it through two nights, didn't I?"

"Ryan, I know how much it is to ask, but please…you can hold it together a few more hours until Dad gets all your paperwork filed, okay?" Seth adds.

Ryan closes his eyes and puts his swollen hands over his face. "You have entirely too much faith in my self-control."

"You know what you have to do, Ryan, so just focus. Like ice, you told me once. Don't let him get to you…" Seth urges.

"He's already got to me…" Ryan admits, his eyes flashing painfully. "But I needed to hear that. Thanks, Seth. For coming."

"You're getting out of here, okay? I promise you. Just hang on, okay?"

"Okay." Ryan nods slowly.

"Atwood," The guard barks.

"My Dad's on top of it, Ryan. Soon."

Ryan nods again, standing and going to the guard. He vanishes into the windowless compound.

Seth steps out and Kirsten and Summer both rush to his side. Seth's brown eyes are unreadable. 

"God, what is it?"

"Nothing. He's fine. Depressed and that's why he doesn't want to see anybody. Looked tired, like he hasn't slept in days," Seth mutters.

"You're lying," Summer accuses.

"I need to talk to Dad," Seth states. "We have to get him out of there."

*****

Sandy finally gets all the proper paperwork filled out by noon and goes to the juvenile hall to get Ryan released. He waits in the office for over an hour before finding out that the long wait is because they cannot locate Ryan. It's apparently recreation time and the guards are being held up due to a small riot. Sandy demands that Ryan be found and released. It's two hours later when a man in a suit arrives to explain things to Sandy. 

"Where is Ryan?"

"He's in the infirmary. He'll be joining us momentarily…" The man hesitates.

"Why is he in the infirmary?" Sandy demands.

"There was an incident in the common room. While the guards were trying to locate Mr. Atwood, a fight broke out and they had to intervene. A boy was killed if they helps you understand the seriousness. Several other minor altercations broke out following the death and Mr. Atwood wasn't discovered until after things had settled down.

"Discovered? What does that mean?" Sandy gasps. "Is he alright?"

"He was beaten. He was unconscious when we found him but he's awake now. He has a slight concussion, a lot of bruising but we don't see any sign or broken bones or damage that would warrant a hospital."

"I want him now…" Sandy replies, adamant.

"Hey." Ryan's voice is hoarse from the hallway.

"Damn, Ryan, are you okay?" Sandy starts toward him.

"Depends. Are we leaving?" Ryan replies, stepping back against the wall into shadow.

"Yes, we are." Sandy turns to the man in the suit. "Expect a call from our lawyer…"

"Risk management will contact you, Mr. Cohen," The man nods.

Sandy doesn't see Ryan's face until they get outside in the daylight. He was too rushed to get him out of there that he had simply gripped Ryan's arm and pulled him to the entrance.

"Hey. Hold up," Ryan mutters. 

"What?" Sandy asks, looking at him. One of Ryan's eyes is swollen shut and the other eye is red with blood in the white of it. His face is bruised and he is barely recognizable. The arm Sandy is holding is bandaged tightly. 

"Well, do you have keys for these?" Ryan asks, raising his cuffed hands. He pulls away from Sandy and faces the guard that has been following them closely. The guard unlocks the cuffs and Ryan turns back to Sandy.

"Sorry," Sandy says, flushed. "Let's go."

Sandy holds the door to his car open and Ryan gets inside. Sandy starts the car and starts home. "Ryan, what happened in there?"

"I don't want to talk about it…" Ryan mutters. He leans back in the seat and Sandy sees the bandage on his chest. 

"I'm sorry but you're going to have to talk about it. They said someone died…" Sandy starts.

"And he fucking deserved it…I just wish I could've seen it…" Ryan states coldly. 

"Ryan!" Sandy gasps.

"You haven't talked to Seth, have you?" Ryan asks, suddenly.

"I haven't had time, I was trying to get you out," Sandy replies. 

Ryan laughs humorlessly, covering his face with his hand. "Shit…thank you for getting me out of there…I wish you could have gotten there, like, three hours earlier…"

"Who did that to you?"

"Let's call it a team effort," Ryan replies. 

"I need you to talk to me, Ryan. Please…"

"I didn't kill that kid, Mr. Cohen," Ryan states suddenly. "I should have killed him. He deserved it. Painfully. But I held up my hands and let him take his shots at me. I let him do it. I'm stronger than him. I'm strong." His eyes are distant when he lowers his hand. 

"Ryan…"

"I just…I couldn't believe he was there…and I can't repeat the things he said to me…so I just…"

"Who?" Sandy asks, confused and concerned .

"Allan Yearby," Ryan mutters.

Sandy stops the car in the middle of a deserted street a few blocks from their house. He turns to Ryan. "Allan Yearby was in juvie with you. The boy that's suing the school…the boy that killed…"

"I didn't touch him, Mr. Cohen," Ryan whispers. "Now can we please go home?"

Sandy starts to drive away.

"Wait…" Ryan says suddenly, swinging open the door of the car and stumbling out. He is violently sick. Sandy pulls the car completely off the street and gets out as Ryan is recovering. 

"Ryan, are you okay?" Sandy asks, glancing at him. Ryan nods, turns away and spits blood.

"I'm cool now. Sorry about that," Ryan says.

"Blood. Are you vomiting blood?"

Ryan shrugs. "I don't know. It's normal after a beating like this." He gets back in the car. "Trust me."

Sandy is chilled. He takes Ryan home. They pull into the driveway and Sandy turns to Ryan.

"I'm okay. I just need to sleep for a few days," Ryan says, not opening his eyes but sensing Sandy's gaze.

"Okay. There are some things we need to discuss when you're better…" Sandy says.

"Talk. I need something to focus on," Ryan replies, opening his good eye. 

"We're taking you out of school for a while. We're hiring a tutor to fulfill the requirements and we have an agreement that you can reenroll at any time without losing a grade…"

"I don't care, I'll do whatever you want me to do," Ryan replies, tiredly. 

"Okay…"

"Jail. I need to know if I'm going to jail…"

"No. Everything's back to square one. You're still on probation but you aren't going to earn any extra time and this whole thing…is gone. Nonexistent…"

Ryan glances at him. "So…what the fuck was I doing in there?"

"Allan Yearby's lawsuit…some kind of publicity ploy to shift blame from their son onto you which failed miserably…you've got worldwide support…"

"No jail…I guess that's enough…" Ryan nods. His face is emotionless beneath the bruising. 

"You're home now. You need to get some rest but there's a bunch of people in the house that are waiting to see you," Sandy nods. Ryan glances out the window. Seth is standing in the open door, worried.

"Cool." Ryan opens the door and steps out. 

"Ryan?" Seth calls. Summer bursts through the door, rushing to Ryan and assaulting him in a hug that slams him against the car.

"Easy there," Ryan smiles, returning her desperate hug.

Summer gasps as she sees his condition. "God…I'm so sorry, are you okay? What happened to you…" She gushes.

"I'm okay. I'm cool. I'll be beautiful again in a couple of days," Ryan says. He looks up to Seth. He releases Summer and gives Seth a brotherly hug. 

"Everything cool?" Seth whispers.

"I'll tell you later," Ryan mutters.

Kirsten is next, pulling Ryan into a hug. "I'm sorry…"

"It's okay, I'm home now…" Ryan replies. 

"Let's go inside. Ryan needs to get some rest," Kirsten says, giving Sandy a horrified expression at Ryan's condition.

"I think I need to go lie down," Ryan admits. "I need a shower and to lie down…"

"Come on," Summer says, gently taking his arm and leading him through the house to the pool house. Seth follows them inside.

"What did you do?" Seth asks as Summer leads Ryan to the couch and lets him sit down.

"Nothing, Seth," Ryan replies.

"Really?"

"God…" Ryan clenches his swollen hands in frustration. "Fucking kid came after me today and I just let him fuck me up, Seth…all I wanted to do was snap his fucking neck…"

"Ryan! What are you talking about?" Summer gasps. She quiets after a glare from Seth. 

"Damn, man…"

"So I was out cold when the other kids fucked him up. They killed him and…dammit, Seth…" Ryan shakes his head. "I'm not sorry that he's dead…"

"What the fuck are you talking about?" Summer demands. 

"Allan Yearby," Seth replies. Ryan stands up and leaves the room. They hear the shower turn on.

"You are not serious. Tell me you're not serious…" Summer asks, pale. 

Ryan lets the shower heat up, filling the bathroom with steam so he doesn't have to look at himself in the mirror. He hurts but not from the cuts and the bruises. Marissa's still gone and he hurts. He pulls the bandage off his sliced arm, ignoring the still oozing blood. He slowly unwraps the bandages that are holding his cracked ribs in place. The gash on his chest is next, the end barely stopping at his jugular. He steps into the hot shower and leans his head against the wall. The water in the drain is red like Marissa.

"Did you hear that?" Seth asks Summer several minutes later.

"It sounded like…somebody falling over in the shower…" Summer realizes. "He has been in there a while…" 

"Should we go in there?" Seth hesitates as they stand outside the door.

"Haven't you ever been to a frat party?" Summer asks sarcastically. "Somebody always passes out in the bathroom." She knocks loudly. "Ryan? Ryan, answer me if you're okay!" There is no response.

"Ryan, kick the door if you're okay!" Summer yells.

"What now?" Seth asks, after a long pause. She goes to the towel closet and grabs a beach towel.

"I'm going in," Summer announces.

"Summer, he's going to kick your ass if you go in there," Seth warns her.

"It's simple, Cohen, I'm going to turn my head, toss the curtain back and cover with the towel. It's Drunk 101, shit, I know I've passed out at Holly's, like, every other weekend so I know…" Summer says calmly. She swings open the steamy bathroom and steps inside. She sees Ryan's limp hand on the edge of the tub. She closes her eyes and covers him with the towel. On any other day she would have peeked, but she knows Marissa would be disappointed in her. 

"Clear," She calls to Seth, turning the water in the shower off. 

*****


	13. Thirteen

*****

_"Ryan? What happened to you? Where did you get this bruise?" Marissa asked as she tossed his shirt in the floor._

"What bruise? Oh, I don't know, I hadn't noticed it…" Ryan replied.

"Who were you fighting?" She demanded, sitting up. 

"I wasn't fighting…" Ryan replied calmly.

"Goddammit, I can't believe you're going to lie to me again!"

"I wasn't fighting, Marissa. I…I fell off my bike," He said, reaching for her.

"No you didn't, just tell me!"

"Why, so you can get angrier?"

Marissa glared at him. 

"Dammit, Marissa, just drop it…"

"Not until you tell me the truth."

"Why does it matter to you?" Ryan asked, sitting up. She gasped, seeing that the bruise covers most of his right side.

"Because…you matter to me and you're hurt…and you're not supposed to fight…I don't want to lose you…"

"I wasn't fighting…I fell off my bike."

"How do you fall off your bike?" Marissa scoffed.

"When a truck swerves over and runs you off the pavement," Ryan muttered, turning away.

"What? Who would do that?" Marissa gasped, believing him instantly.

"I'm not the most popular kid in town, Marissa. It's not a big deal…" Ryan sighed. "Let's just go to sleep."

"Ryan…"

"You found out what you wanted and I'm tired."

*****

Ryan wakes up suddenly, feeling hands on him. And cold water. He's freezing.

"Chill, Chino, don't hit me…" Summer snaps. He opens his eyes. She's leaning over him in the bathtub shaking him.

"Shit…" He gasps. He's covered by a large beach towel and Summer is standing outside the tub.

"You conscious again?" She asks.

"Yeah…what happened?"

"You fell the fuck over. Now that you're okay, get dressed and we'll put you to bed." Summer says, satisfied. She turns and closes the door behind her.

Ryan struggles to his feet, shaking off his dizziness. He dries off with a fresh towel and pulls on a pair of jeans that Summer must have brought him. His right knee is swollen and painful. He has been forcing himself not to limp so the kids in juvie wouldn't see his weakness. Ryan leans against the sink, steadying himself.

"Ryan? You okay?" Kirsten's voice startles him from outside.

"Yeah. I just need a few minutes to patch myself up," Ryan replies.

"Are you decent? I'd like to take a look," She calls. He sighs. He opens the door slightly, so she can see inside.

Kirsten pales suddenly as she sees the long gash across his chest that starting on one side of his body below the waistband of his jeans and ending at his neck. His chest and abdomen are bruised and his arm is slashed. 

"I think I got it," Ryan says, seeing her face and turning around.

"Let me help you…"

"I can do it. Really," Ryan says.

"Don't listen to him, he's not smart today," Summer says suddenly, pushing open the door and going to Ryan's side. She pushes him to sit down on the closed toilet seat and takes his face in her hands, rolling his head around.

"Summer…" Ryan protests as she shakes his head.

"Don't talk, I'm checking you for a concussion…" Summer snaps. Ryan smiles suddenly, putting his bruised hands on hers and pulling them away.

"You're shaking up my brains. Stop it," He says.

Kirsten holds out the first aid kit. Summer steps out of the way as Kirsten starts bandaging Ryan's chest. "What happened here?" She asks gently.

"Box cutter. It could've been a lot worse but I saw it coming. Cut my jumpsuit right down the middle…" Ryan mutters. Kirsten manages not to react as she secures the gauze with medical tape. 

Kirsten pauses, seeing the wrap for his ribs on the edge of the sink. 

"I can talk you through it," Ryan says, catching her gaze. He picks up the bandage. "I've got some cracked ribs so I need to wrap them," He says calmly. "I'll hold my arms up and you think you guys could wrap my chest up really tight?"

"Sure. I watch ER," Summer says. 

"How tight?" Kirsten asks as she starts to wind the long ace bandage around his chest.

"So tight I can't breathe…hurts like a motherfucker when I breathe unless it's tight…" Ryan replies. 

"Did they give you anything for pain?" Kirsten asks quietly.

"No drugs in juvie, Mrs. Cohen," Ryan smiles. "It's cool." He glances down. "Take those little silver clips and secure the bandage…thanks…"

"Now your arm…was that a box cutter, too?" Summer asks, taking his hand.

"I don't think so. I didn't see it, felt like a fork," Ryan replies quietly.

"What about your hands?" Kirsten asks as she bandages his arm. 

Ryan looks at her. 

"Well?"

"I took out the box cutter kid," Ryan says quietly, lowering his eyes.

Summer winces as she examines his swollen knuckles. "How hard did you hit him to bruise like this?" She whispers, awed.

"Too hard," Ryan replies, pulling his hand away. He starts to get nervous from their attentions and stands up, pulling a shirt on quickly.

"Ryan, wait…" Kirsten pulls the hem of the shirt back up again so she can examine him. "When's the last time you ate something? You've lost weight…"

"I'm okay…"

"You're lying. Your eyebrow twitches when you're lying," Summer says suddenly. "Marissa told me…"

"Ryan?" Kirsten sighs. "Tell me. Did you eat while you were there?"

"I can't keep anything down. I'm just upset, that's all and then I got hurt and…I'm fine."

"You have to eat something. You're probably dehydrated…"

"I'll drink all the liquids you want me to but I can't eat…not today…" Ryan shudders just thinking about it. He walks out of the bathroom.

"You okay?" Seth meets him in the main room of the pool house. 

"Yeah, I'm just really tired I think," Ryan replies, sitting down on the bed. Summer enters with Kirsten. "And Summer was shaking my brains," He adds. 

Kirsten takes Summer's arm and looks at her seriously. "Don't shake Ryan's brains any more today, okay?"

"It worked, didn't it?" Summer smiles. 

"You guys have all lost it." Seth mutters.

Ryan puts a hand to his face. His nose is bleeding. He looks at the blood on his hand as if mesmerized. Kirsten sees him and hurries to get a Kleenex. She snaps Ryan out of his trance by sitting down beside him and putting a tissue in his hand. 

"Thanks," He says, lucid again. He takes the tissue from her and holds it to his nose.

"Did I shake your brains too much?" Summer asks.

"I'm just going to lie down."

"I'll make you some tea," Kirsten offers, standing up.

Summer covers him with a blanket and Ryan closes his eyes. 

"Ryan, we'll be right outside by the pool, okay?" Summer says.

"Okay…" Ryan whispers. 

Kirsten walks with Seth and Summer out of the pool house.

"He looks rough," Summer states quietly.

"He's been through a lot these last few days. You all have. I'm going to go make some dinner. Let me know if you guys need anything," Kirsten says.

Summer turns to Seth and shoves him. "Why didn't you tell me that Ryan was all fucked up?"

"He asked me not to. He told me that the kid was in there with him and I told him not to touch him." 

"What?"

"He was in there for attacking him at school, how do you think it would look for him to get in trouble for fucking him up in jail?" Seth asks. "I didn't know he was going to get beat down…I just wanted him to come home…"

"He's really hurt." Summer sits down. "He's trying to act like he's not but he's hurt."

"He's home now. He's going to be okay now that's he's home…" Seth sighs, sitting down beside her in a chair.

"I can't believe we have to start back to school tomorrow."

"No we don't," Seth replies. "There's a tutor coming. The kids are on strike."

"What?" Summer asks, confused.

"Yeah. Parents are keeping their kids out of school until Ryan goes back," Seth states. "Luke organized it. It's all over the news. They said that Ryan shouldn't be in jail because he was saving other kids. At last check, even though he's out of jail, none of the kids are going back to school until he does. A lot of the teachers are in on it, too. He's got huge support."

"Why didn't you tell me any of this?" Summer asks.

"We were just watching the news before Ryan got home. You were just spaced out," Seth replies. "But I heard my Mom on the phone with your mom and you're going to see the same tutor. She's coming in two days…"

"Wow. That's some serious shit," Summer remarks. 

"Serious shit is all we've had for a few days."

"I'm still getting used to the fact that nothing's ever going to be normal again. No more Marissa…" Summer mutters.

**__**

"…I just need some space to clear my head to figure out my life with or without you…"

--Papa Roach

*****

"All people start to come apart finally and there it is: just empty ashtrays in a room or wisps of hair on a comb in the dissolving moonlight…"

"She's the toy soldiers inside your head poking their lead bayonets. She's the first kiss and the last kiss and the dog's guts spilling like a river. She comes from somewhere and she never stops coming. Me, and that old woman, sorrow."

"…Bad shape. Sick. Can hardly hold my soul together…"

*Bukowski*

Ryan wakes up and it's dark outside. The first thing he realizes is that he's not in juvie anymore. And Marissa's still gone. The ache returns and starts to pound in his chest but he forces himself to get to his feet.

Marissa's gone but Seth and Summer and the Cohens are still here. He has to keep going for them. He can't let them see that he's dead inside. They would be so disappointed. He can act like he's not dead. 

Ryan dresses and walks out of the pool house. Seth and Summer are sleeping in pool chairs. Blankets have been strewn across them. He smiles slightly, looking at them. He goes into the main house. Sandy looks up, surprised.

"Hey."

"Hey. You slept through dinner…hungry?"

"I think Mrs. Cohen's going to put in a feeding tube if I don't eat something," Ryan replies as Kirsten enters, smiling at him.

"You're probably right," She says.

"Rosa made some soup for you," Sandy says, going to the refrigerator as Ryan sits down at the counter.

"How do you feel?" Kirsten asks.

"I'm still tired. Marissa's still dead. Other than that, I'm sore," Ryan states evenly.

Sandy regards him.

"You should take a picture of those two out there. They're adorable," Ryan says, nodding toward the patio.

"Ryan. We want you to talk to someone. When you're ready…" Kirsten says gently.

"A shrink?" Ryan replies.

"A counselor. Someone that can help you deal with your grief…"

"I'm dealing with it…" Ryan whispers. "I haven't had a chance…god…I've been locked up for three days…listening to that kid taunt me…" He covers his face as his voice wavers. "I haven't…I mean…I'm supposed to be okay now? It's been like a week, is that like…is that the normal grieving period?"

"Ryan. Listen. You can have all the time you need, baby," Kirsten says. "But if you take a step back and look at yourself…"

"I know I'm messed up…but I'm better…I just have to find my way back…damn…if I can't…then, I'll talk to somebody, but this…don't ask me to do this right now…" He sighs.

"Okay. That's a reasonable request." Sandy puts the heated soup in front of Ryan. 

Ryan manages to eat half a bowl of soup before his stomach starts to protest. 

"I'll have to try again later," Ryan says. 

"I'm satisfied. Thank you, Ryan…" Kirsten smiles.

Ryan sighs heavily. "Give me a couple of days. Let me get used to living without her again." He stands up and goes to the door. "It's like…my whole life led up to meeting her…it was like she finally made me whole and everything came together…so if she's gone…where does that leave me? I mean, what am I supposed to do now?"

Kirsten embraces him and he returns her hug. "There's nothing that we can say, Ryan, we don't have the answers you need."

"I have to try. I mean, I have to. I just need a little time."

"Anything you need…" Kirsten promises. 

Ryan nods. "Can I take a walk?"

"You sure you're up to it?" Sandy asks quietly.

"Yeah. Just down to the water. I mean, windows are nice but I missed the fresh air," Ryan smiles slightly.

Sandy holds out his cell phone. "Call us if you don't feel like walking back. And don't call Mexico…"

"What about Canada?" Ryan responds seriously.

"Just be careful."

Ryan nods and leaves. He walks to the beach and sits down. He listens to the waves. He watches the lights across the horizon. It is a beautiful night.


	14. Epilogue

*****

**__**

Three Years Later:

"Hey. You ready?" Luke sticks his head into Ryan's bedroom. 

"Almost. What are you still doing here? I thought your dad was picking you up…" Ryan responds, buttoning his shirt with one hand while he runs the other one through his shaggy hair.

"I forgot my keys. You sure you don't want to ride with us? I mean, you're the best man and all…"

"I won't be late, Luke, it's your wedding, you'd kick my ass…" Ryan replies with a smile. Luke met Harmony at a bar ten months earlier and they had instantly connected. After the tragedy with Marissa, Luke and Ryan had become good friends. When Luke, Seth and Ryan all decided to go to the same university, the Cohens and Luke's parents bought them a huge house near campus. Summer and Seth have been dating for years and she lives with him in the house, but their parents don't know. She has an unoccupied dorm room on campus. 

Ryan struggled with Marissa's death for a long time. He lapsed back to drinking in high school but is a regular attendant at AA meetings now. He doesn't date but has one-night stands on a regular basis. Luke, Seth and Summer have learned not to pressure him into dating. He told Seth once that he would never love anyone again because it hurt so much to lose Marissa.

Seth steps into his room wearing his tuxedo. "You ready?"

"Almost. What do I do with this?" He holds up a flower. 

"Have you ever been to a wedding before?" Seth teases, knowing the answer. 

"Shut up. Where's Summer?"

"She's at Harmony's helping her get ready. She claims that it's like, a six hour process…" Seth remarks.

"Getting ready to go anywhere is like a six hour process for Summer anyway," Ryan replies. 

"The folks are meeting us at the chapel. I don't think Dad's recovered from the bachelor party yet so expect a lecture from Mom," Seth says, arranging the flower on Ryan's tux. 

"Hey, I told him not to drink all those tequila shots just because the stripper told him to," Ryan laughs. 

Seth smiles. Ryan's moods vary from day to day but he seems genuinely happy today.

"Summer says you have to ride with me, you can't take your bike," Seth says, picking up the wedding ring off Ryan's dresser and handing it to him.

"Damn…" Ryan's motorcycle is the closest thing he's had to a girlfriend in years despite Summer and Kirsten's hatred for it. 

"So get yourself together. We've got a wedding to go to."

At the church, Ryan smiles and greets all of Luke's family and friends. They tease him and warn him about starting a fight at the reception because of a family cookout the boys had thrown the year before when Luke got drunk and picked a fight with Ryan. The two guys had ended up in the pool wrestling for control and Ryan had to carry Luke inside until he sobered up and apologized.

"Nervous?" Ryan asks, joining Luke in a small room at the back of the church.

"Hell yeah," Luke answers honestly. Ryan pulls up a chair beside him. 

"Listen, dude, I think this is the time for us to have a heartfelt conversation…"

Luke breaks out in a smile. "Shut up, Chino…"

"No, but seriously," Ryan grins. "You deserve this. When I first met you, I hated your guts. But you're a good guy. You've grown into a good man. Harmony's lucky to have you. You love her, don't you?"

"God, you know I do, Ry. I love her like you love Marissa. Forever," Luke says. 

Ryan reaches out his hand and Luke shakes it, pulling him into a brotherly hug.

"Thanks for standing beside me," Luke says. "I love you, man."

"See? Heartfelt conversation," Ryan grins. 

Luke shoves him and Ryan laughs.

*****

At the reception, Ryan gives a moving speech and then disappears. Kirsten and Sandy find him sitting behind the band, smoking a forbidden cigarette. For once, he doesn't put it out in front of Kirsten.

"Hey, kid. You did good today," Sandy says, sitting down beside him.

"Don't I do good every day?" Ryan asks, feigning surprise.

"How you doing?" Kirsten asks.

"I'm happy for Luke. It's his day," Ryan replies. 

"Why didn't we hear that you made the dean's list? We had to hear it from Seth," Kirsten scolds.

"I told Rosa, you guys were all off in Hawaii or something celebrating your, what, fiftieth wedding anniversary?" Ryan jokes.

"Hey, we're not that old," Sandy laughs.

"We're proud of you," Kirsten smiles.

"You say that now," Ryan sighs. "I have news."

"Really? Good or bad? Do you need an attorney?" Sandy asks immediately.

Ryan laughs. "No. I decided on a major."

"Really? Not Midget Anthropology in India or anything, right?" Kirsten smiles.

"No. I really don't know what you guys are going to think about it…I don't know what I think about it…" Ryan admits. 

"Well, you won't know until you tell us, kid," Sandy replies. 

Ryan hesitates.

"Come on, we know you're capable of multiple syllables, Ryan," Kirsten smiles.

"Shit…pre-med…" Ryan says finally.

"Wow, a doctor in the family, that's pretty impressive," Sandy remarks, surprised. "I thought you were going pre-law?"  
"I thought you chose the school so you could be an architect," Kirsten replies.

Ryan smiles at them. "Seth wanted me to be a history major so I could help him with his homework and Summer says I should go for English. Pre-med was the only way I could disappoint everyone equally."

"You're going to be a great doctor, Ryan," Kirsten smiles. "And yes, we're still proud of you."

'But I really wanted to have a Cohen and Sons law firm," Sandy mutters, playfully. Seth is pre-law. 

*****

Seth and Summer notice that starting about a week after Luke's wedding, Ryan starts attending AA meetings on a daily basis. They are so busy with school and hiding their cohabitation that they don't get a chance to ask him until the day after Luke gets back from his honeymoon. Harmony is a flight stewardess and is only home on various days. 

"Ryan? It's like 4 am. What are you doing?" Seth finds him on the beach outside their house.

"What? Nothing. You want to sit?" Ryan's face is illuminated for a moment as he lights a cigarette.

Seth sits down, yawning. "What's up?"

"Have I been weird lately?" Ryan asks.

"Yeah. You're quiet again. You're going to meetings," Seth replies honestly.

Ryan tosses an unopened bottle of whiskey in the sand beside Seth. "Enjoy."

"What's up?"

"I met someone," Ryan states quietly. 

Seth doesn't know what to say. 

"She's great. She makes me laugh. She doesn't remind me of Marissa like everything else…except for the way I feel about her…and I just don't know what to do…" Ryan starts. Luke startles them both, sitting down on Ryan's empty side. 

"It's fucking you up, isn't it?" Luke asks. 

"God yes. I know you guys think I'm stupid…mourning a girl that's been dead for years…" Ryan starts.

"Dude, you loved her. There's nothing wrong with that. I think…I think we just want you to find a way to be happy," Seth interrupts. 

"Marissa would want you to be happy, Ryan. You know that." Luke says.

"I am happy…I don't want to replace her…I don't want to forget about her…"

"You're not doing either of those, but you're not dead. You can still live without her," Seth says. "Not just for us, not just to make us happy, but for you. If this chick makes you happy then there's no reason you shouldn't be with her."

"I feel like a traitor," Ryan whispers. 

"You're not betraying anyone, dude. God, Ryan…she's not coming back but it's like you're waiting…and sometimes it's like, you're just waiting to die or something, but…you still have a chance, man…" Luke says quietly. "You like this girl and you said she's not like Marissa…but it could still be love…you know, like a different kind of love."

"You owe yourself a chance. Dude, what's she like?" Seth asks, nodding respectively at Luke.

"She's a biker…" Ryan replies quietly. "We ride together. Don't talk."

"You're all about the not talking, aren't you?" Seth teases. Ryan laughs.

"We talk. She's English and she quotes all this fucking poetry and there's this little grin she gets every time I name the poet, and it's like…it's fucking hot…" Ryan smiles.

"Details. Tall or short?"

"Tall, thin…" Ryan covers his face. "She's damn sexy…blonde and blue…"

"Like Mom?" Seth asks.

"Shut up," Ryan laughs. 

"You really like her," Luke states.

"Yeah. I think so. She's the first girl since Marissa that I've actually…that I've actually felt…like, I feel her…" Ryan replies.

"Good. When are you going to bring her over?"

"Dude, I'm so fucking scared of your girlfriend…Summer would eat her alive…" Ryan says seriously. 

Luke laughs. "He's right."

"Ryan, come on. You have to let us meet her. Seriously," Seth grins.

"I need to think about it."

"Damn, man, you're seriously considering not going after this chick?" Luke asks. 

"I need to think about it."

"Come on, Luke, let's let him brood in peace," Seth says, standing up. 

"You're cool?" Luke asks.

"Cool," Ryan replies. "Thanks guys."

A few weeks later, Seth and Luke are having drinks after class waiting for Harmony's flight to come in. Seth's phone buzzes and he doesn't recognize the number.

"Seth Cohen?"

"Yeah? Who's calling?"

"This is Lilie, I'm a friend of Ryan's and there's been an accident…"

"What kind of accident?"

"Some fucking bitch sideswiped his bike…he's in the ambulance and he wanted me to call you…"

"Is he okay?" Seth asks.

"I don't know, he was conscious, he said he was fine but I couldn't tell…his bike is thrashed," She adds.

"What hospital?"

"Mercy."

"Thanks, Lillie, we'll meet you there." Seth hangs up. "Can you and Harmony catch a taxi? Ryan's had an accident."

"Sure, go, what hospital?" Luke asks.

"Mercy. I'll call when I know something."

Seth calls Summer and his parents on the way to the hospital. Sandy meets him outside the hospital and they walk in together.

"I don't care what your fucking hospital policy says, I want to know how he is!" A girl is yelling with a strong English accent.

Seth sees the source of the voice. Tall, thin and gorgeous with blonde hair, he knows that she's a source of beauty worthy of Ryan's praise.

"Lilie?" Seth calls, tentatively.

"Yeah?" She turns away from the nurse for an instant.

"Seth Cohen. This is Sandy, my father…" Seth introduces. They join her by the desk.

"Him, I can give information to," The nurse says. 

"Goddammit, I'm glad you're here," Lilie mutters, relieved.

"Mr. Atwood's condition is stable. He suffered a mild concussion and a broken wrist and collarbone…there were some complications that the doctor will be out to tell you about, but he should be fine…" The nurse says.

"Complications?" Seth asks.

"You can wait over there," She says.

"What happened?"

"We had to get on the freeway for like, three miles…anyway, this car didn't see him and just ran him off the road…I was right behind him so I stopped and called an ambulance…" She says, pale.

"Thank you for being there…" Sandy says, hugging her. 

"You're Ryan's dad?" Lilie asks.

Sandy hesitates. 

"Wait…Sandy, you're his dad in all the ways that matter, yeah…that's what I meant," She says flushing. 

"You said he was awake and everything?"

"Yeah…but I mean, he's got a pretty high pain threshold so I don't know how bad it was…complications aside…"

"Where is he?" Summer bursts inside the waiting room and Seth catches her in his arms. 

"We're waiting for the doctor now, Summer…this is Lilie, a friend of Ryan's," Seth introduces.

"Hello, Summer," Lilie says, clearly distracted by her worry.

Summer gasps. "Mystery English girl! You've been talking to Ryan on the phone, like, every night…" 

Lilie looks surprised.

"Ah, Mystery English girl. You've been upsetting Summer for weeks, I don't know why I didn't make the connection," Sandy nods. 

"Sorry. Ryan's kind of…moody. Secretive kinds of sums him up if you start to ask him stuff," Lilie replies.

"Sounds like you know Ryan pretty well," Seth says. "Dad, go force them to let you see him, you're a lawyer…"

"Mr. Cohen? Are you here for Mr. Atwood?"

"Yes, Doctor, how is he?"

"He's going to be fine. He has a broken collarbone and wrist and he's unconscious but…"

"The nurse said that there were complications," Lilie interrupts.

"He was allergic to the painkiller that we gave him but we counteracted it and there should be no side effects.

"Shit…Can we see him?" Sandy asks.

"He's being moved to a room upstairs now and you can meet him there. They'll probably keep him overnight for observation and he'll get out tomorrow." The doctor smiles. "The nurse can tell you his room number."

Sandy stands outside to wait for Kirsten while Seth, Summer and Lilie take the elevator to Ryan's floor.

"So, mystery English girl, why hasn't Ryan introduced us?" Summer asks Lilie.

Seth shakes his head at Lilie, warning her not to answer.

Lilie hesitates. "I don't know. We both stay pretty busy, I guess…" 

Seth gives her the thumbs up and Summer turns around catching his movement. "What?"

"Ryan's scared of you," Seth says.

"Shut up…I'm not mean…" Summer glances at Lilie. 

"Protective was the word he used, I think," Lilie adds. They step off the elevator and find his room. Lilie pushes ahead, going to the bed's side. She reaches out her hand and brushes a stray piece of Ryan's hair out of his eyes. 

"Ryan? Ryan, baby, wake up…" Lilie calls. Summer joins her by his bed. Summer watches the girl, surprised by her concern.

"He's probably going to sleep for a while. They said he had a concussion," Summer says to Lilie.

Lilie glances at her. "I know you hate his bike and everything, but this…it wasn't supposed to happen…"

"It was an accident," Seth says quietly. "Ryan's a good driver. He still has his driver's license unlike other people in this room…" 

"Shut up," Summer snaps. She softens her tone. "You seem pretty close with him…"

"As close and anyone can really get with Ryan outside of you guys." She puts her hand against his cheek. "It's so frustrating to be in love with somebody as emotionally unavailable…god…"

"Yep, that's Ryan," Summer sighs. 

Lilie steps away from the bed. " I mean, I used to see him take girls home from parties and he won't even kiss me…"

"Baby, that's a good thing, I mean, look at him. If you could get him into bed, you'd really be pining over him," Summer remarks.

"Summer, god, stop it," Seth scolds. "Lilie, Ryan's just got a lot of things his still trying to deal with. I know he likes you…"

"I'm just glad he's okay. That's enough for me."

Kirsten and Sandy come in with Luke.

Kirsten takes Ryan's hand. "I told him about riding that thing on the freeway…"

"…Wasn't my fault…" Ryan mutters hoarsely. He opens his eyes and looks at them. "Hey…"

"Hey," Lilie smiles. Ryan reaches for her hand and kisses it.

"I'm okay…"

"Really?" Kirsten asks.

"I see the whole gang's here," Ryan smiles. "It takes a car accident to get us all together…"

"You sure you're okay?" Lilie asks, putting her hand on his forehead. 

"That depends. How's my bike?" Ryan asks.

"Already?" Summer groans. 

"Is it fixable? Lilie? Come on," Ryan pleads.

"Ryan, I'm disowning you if you get back on that bike," Kirsten threatens.

"Oh, he won't ride the same bike, Mrs. Cohen, he'll use this as an excuse for a new, faster, more dangerous bike," Summer teases.

"Don't worry about the bike, Ryan. Bikes are replaceable, you aren't…" Lilie smiles.

*****

Lilie and Ryan grow closer and he brings her around the house and she gets to know Seth, Luke and Summer. A month or so after the accident, Summer and Seth are having breakfast after leaving Lilie and Ryan sleeping. Lilie has confided to Summer that Ryan still refuses to be intimate with her, shutting down when things go too far. Ryan hasn't talked to anyone about the developing relationship after the conversation on the beach. 

Summer's phone rings and she answers it. "Yeah?"

"Summer? It's Lilie, something's wrong with Ryan…"

"Where are you?"

"In the kitchen, I cut my hand and he just started…he's, like, catatonic…"

"We'll be right there," Summer promises. She turns to Seth. "Ryan's flipping out. Like after Marissa."

Seth is already tossing money on the table. "Let's go."

Lilie meets them at the door. 

Seth doesn't let her go back into the kitchen. "You need to change clothes. You've got blood on you…" She glances down at her stained shirt.

"Shit…what's going on, Seth? He's pre-med, he's going to be around blood all the time…" Lilie protests.

"Not on people he cares about. It's not about the blood, it's about the blood on you," Seth says.

Summer goes into the kitchen. Ryan is sitting in the corner with his arms wrapped around his knees. She crouches beside him and he immediately embraces her in a hug.

"Poor baby…you really like her…"

"I…I was looking at her…she started bleeding…I…I don't know…I don't think I can do this again…" Ryan murmurs. 

"What do you know about Marissa?" Seth asks Lilie when she finishes changing clothes. 

"Is she Ryan's old girlfriend? The one that died?"

"Yeah. He never got over her dying. Did he tell you what happened?"

"No."

Seth sighs. "She died in his arms…these kids came to school and started shooting. Seeing you with the blood…it probably just got to him…"

"God…I didn't know…he won't talk about it…" Lilie says quietly. 

In the kitchen, Summer pulls Ryan to his feet. "You're okay, aren't you, Ryan?"

"No…I don't think so…I need a drink…"

"No, Ry, I'm sorry…"

"A cigarette?" Ryan mutters.

"Maybe. Talk to me. You haven't talked to me in a while. Talk to me."

"I…I don't think I can do this again, Summer…I'm not strong enough…I'm not over her…"

"Yes, Ryan, you are, I think that's why you're so scared…" Summer takes his arms, steadying him. "It's time. It took a while but you know that it's time."

Lilie and Seth step into the kitchen. 

"Hey, Ry. You okay?"

"No…Lilie, I'm sorry, I can't do this…I thought I was ready but I'm not…I'm not over Marissa…I'm sorry…" Ryan pulls away from Summer and starts to bolt from the kitchen.

"Do I get a say in this?" Lilie asks, reaching for him.

"I can't…I'm just not strong enough…I'm sorry…" He says, his blue eyes flashing with pain. She pulls him to her and kisses him deeply.

He pulls away. "Don't…I'm sorry…" He rushes past Seth and disappears out of the front door.

"Lilie…" Summer sighs.

Seth follows Ryan outside. Ryan has stopped beside his car, leaning against it.

"Hey. Let's take a ride," Seth says.

Ryan glances at him. "You have class."

"This is more important," Seth replies. "Get in."

Ryan follows Seth to his car and sits down.

Seth opens the glove compartment and pulls out a pack of cigarettes. He tosses them to Ryan.

"I quit," Ryan mutters.

"Whatever. Light one."

They ride in silence for several miles.

"You want to go home? Mom should be there. Chill out and relax a minute and get your bearings…"

"You think I'm being stupid," Ryan says quietly.

"Ryan, I don't know what to think. I gave up trying to understand the way your mind works years ago. I know that you're not stupid. You're trying to do what you think is right. But I want you to think about what's right for you. You can't keep living…you can't always live your life this way."

Ryan sighs. "I don't know what else to do…I…I still see her, Seth…sometimes, I still feel her…I can smell her scent…"

"Ryan…" Seth is surprised.

"That's why I don't want to hurt Lilie…I mean…I care about her…I think I might be able to love her one day…but I still…I still feel Marissa…" Ryan whispers.

"Damn, Ryan, I'm sorry…"

"God, Seth, you guys have been waiting for me to get over her all these years, I mean, I should have moved on years ago…It's like I'm still stuck in that cafeteria watching her die," Ryan admits.

"Dude, you're better. I mean, you were lost a long time, when you were drinking…but you found your way back, I mean, you came back. Why can't you let yourself be happy?" Seth pulls into his parents' driveway.

"I don't know. But I won't put Lilie through this. I won't make her wait for me because I don't think…I don't think I'm going to get over her." Ryan steps out. Seth knocks and they enter the house after a beat.

"Hey, guys, what's the occasion?" Kirsten calls, giving her son a hug. She goes to Ryan. "You okay?"

"We just needed to get out of the house for a while," Seth says.

Ryan is trembling and he braces himself on the counter. "I freaked out."

Kirsten narrows her eyes in concern. "What happened?"

"Lilie cut her hand…she was bleeding and I kind of, shut down."

"Did you talk to her?" Kirsten asks gently.

"I told her that I couldn't do it…I'm not ready…"

"Honey, that's okay. If it's too soon for you, then you did the right thing," Kirsten says. "But I hope you're not giving up because it's hard. Because you know love is always hard. You don't have to love Lilie like you loved Marissa. There's enough of you for both of them."

Seth's phone rings. "Hello? Hey Summer…he's okay, we're at Mom's…okay…"

"We left Summer with Lilie at the house…" Ryan tells Kirsten.

"Lilie went home. She says that she'll give you some time but she will be calling you to talk about this," Seth says.

"She's a very nice girl," Kirsten tells Ryan.

"I know. That's why I don't want to hurt her. She deserves somebody that's not an emotional wasteland," Ryan replies.

"Give yourself some credit," Seth replies. "You're not that bad."

They stay with Kirsten for lunch and then Seth takes Ryan back to the house. 

Summer greets him with a hug. Luke comes home and immediately bitches them all out for taking the day off from classes and not telling him. 

Later that night, Summer walks in and finds Ryan sitting in the den on the phone in the dark.

"I can't, Lilie, I'm sorry…"

Summer shakes her head at him, sitting down and taking his hand. 

"I know you love her, Ryan, I'm not asking for you to stop loving her…but don't you love me too? Don't you feel anything for me?" Lilie asks.

"Of course I do, you're amazing…" Ryan replies.

"Then why can't we try? Aren't I worth a chance?"

Ryan sighs. "Yes, you are, that's why I'm letting you go. You deserve someone that can love you."

"I don't want anyone else, I want you…I want you, Ryan…"

"I'm sorry…" He hangs up the phone.

"You had to do that, didn't you?"

"I think so. I wish I didn't…but I had to." Ryan turns to her. "I just wish that it didn't hurt so bad."

"Me, too. You okay?" Summer puts an arm around him and leans her head against his shoulder.

"Yeah. I dropped pre-med, Summer."

"What?"

"Yeah. I started thinking about it…and I don't think I could watch people die. I think I was trying too hard to move on."

"So what do you want to be now?"

"I just want to be okay again," Ryan whispers.

"I don't think they offer that curriculum here," Summer replies. 

"You and Seth, the Cohens…you guys make me okay," Ryan says.

"Good. I want you to be happy, Ryan. I'm sorry about Lilie."

"Me, too," Ryan sighs. "Me, too."

The next morning, Luke finds a note from Ryan. He's gone. On a sabbatical it says. He's gone for seven days. 

"What the hell is that?" The kitchen light turns on and Seth finds Ryan standing over the sink, washing his hands.

"Hey."

"Hey. You've been gone a week and all you can say is 'hey'?" Seth asks.

"I got a tattoo," Ryan shrugs, holding out his arm.

"Sweet," Seth goes to his side, examining the black twisting tattoo stretching up his arm.

"I took a ride. Sold my car and bought a bike…"

"You are in so much trouble. When Mom and Summer find out you bought another bike and got a tattoo…you really have a death wish, don't you?" Seth jokes. 

"It's like three am…hot damn, you're back!" Luke is relieved to see his friend. "Sweet! Nice tattoo…" He sees.

"Just felt like time. My brother, Trey, he's got this shop down at Venice Beach so I went and checked it out…" Ryan explains.

"But everything's okay, right? You're…you're not drinking or anything?" Luke asks, tentatively.

"Yeah. I'm okay. Talked to Trey. Saw my Mom. I talked to…I talked to Julie Cooper…"

"What?" Summer enters the kitchen. 

"Yeah, she was down there with Caitlyn and we talked. Seems that she found Marissa's old diary a couple of years ago…she apologized to me…Caitlyn looks great…" Ryan mutters. "She looks just like Marissa…"

"Wow…" Seth says.

"Anyway…I talked to Lilie a couple of times, too and…I think we might try to do something…" Ryan admits.

"That's great, man. I'm happy for you."

"No more sabbaticals, though, unless you suck it up and turn your cell phone on," Summer scolds. "And what did you do to your arm?"

*****


End file.
